Well Amigos, The Red Man is mulling over the High Price of Celebrity today. Ho, Ho, Ho and a bottle of rum – not his own Celebrity or Notoriety as the case may be – but OTHER famous dogs. For example, take Lupo.
Lupo is the black working cocker spaniel that belongs to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge or as the world lovingly calls them, Will and Kate. Poor Lupo. He can’t even go for a walk with Kate and Baby King-to-be George in Kensington Gardens without a posse of photographers plaguing them. A pox upon them, The Red Man says. May all their batteries go dead at once. Ha.
Back on this side of The Pond, take a look at the White House Portuguese Water Dogs, Bo and Sunny. Poor Sunny. Yesterday she knocked down a two-year-old little girl visitor to The First Lady’s holiday party at the White House. The little girl was fine, but Sunny was reported to be in the First Dog House. And of course, pictures of the incident are everywhere. Someone has probably even made a YouTube video of it.
Shit house mouse. Fame and good fortune evidently don’t go hand in hand. Walks are spoiled. Tiny flaws are captured and put on display for the whole world to see.
Don’t misunderestimate me. The Red Man has his own share of glory, but the only price he pays is the occasional flash and click from the old woman Slow’s camera and she’s easy to outrun if she annoys me too much.
Gone are the days of Rin Tin Tin and Lassie and Bullet when all you had to do was show up to make a movie. None of this 24/7 “dogging” stuff that goes on today. Wonder if they knew how good they had it?
Get me outta here, Percy. I need to check the mail to see if my invitation came for one of Ellen’s Twelve Days of Christmas. Now that’s some Fame I wouldn’t mind…
South Carolina Gamecocks had NEVER beaten
In-state archrivals Clemson Tigers five years in a row…
…so the old woman Slow was sipping a COCK-tail pre-game
and feeling frisky and hoping to capture Win Number Five last night
The Red Man can’t look at her. Geez Louise. When will it end?
Clemson Coach can’t watch, either.
The Old Ball Coach Spurrier likes to watch
as the Gamecocks beat the Tigers 34 to 17 for Fifth Straight Win!
Well Sports Fans, quite a night at Casa de Canterbury as Pretty and Slow coughed and wheezed and thoroughly entertained themselves by watching the final regular season football game from the best bleacher seats ESPN could provide. Neither one of them has been worth a damn for the past two weeks since they’ve been sick with their Epizootey Epidemic so I suppose I shouldn’t begrudge them a little bit of fun. Honestly, nothing separates a couple of lesbians from their football – not even the Epizootey – but they do work The Red Man’s last nerve with all that hollering and cussing the officials, camera flashes, blah, blah, blah.
Senior QB Connor Shaw MVP – he ran, he passed, he executed
QB with most wins in school history – never lost a game at home in 3 seasons
The Red Man’s personal favorite Jadeveon Clowney had a Big Night, too and made his final appearance at Williams Brice Stadium in front of 80,000+ fans a night the Tiger QB won’t soon forget.
The Clowney Man Cometh
Football is an American team sport played with eleven men on offense and eleven men on defense and eleven men on special teams plus a whole bunch of back-up guys who keep running on and off the field from the bench plus an army of coaches and trainers and a gazillion wild and crazy Fanatics who support their favorite teams every week at various levels – all focused on seeing which group of guys can get an oblong pigskin from one end of a field to the other without being intercepted or fumbling. At least, that’s how The Red Man sees it.
Coach Spurrier is all smiles as the Gamecocks end their regular season at 10 – 2
and continue Home Wins record-breaking Streak at No 17
The Red Man sends Paw Snaps and Twirls to Connor Shaw and Jadeveon Clowney and salutes the entire Gamecock football team for a great season, but he has to give credit where credit is due – and the MVP for the year goes to the Old Ball Coach Steve Spurrier who knows football… but doesn’t know fear.
Get me outta here Percy…I swear the daffy old twit is about to watch this game again…Fear the Recording…
Oh, for the love of Lady Gaga. Thankful Shmankful. Well Amigos, have you ever heard so many being so thankful for so little…The Red Man is over it.
I know, I know. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving for the Americans and everybody knows they get all gushy grateful at the drop of a Pilgrim’s Hat on the last Thursday in November every year. Gratitude oozes throughout the country like an Exxon oil slick off the coast of Alaska.
Fast forward twenty-four hours and you’ll find them trampling each other to enter Toys R Us when the doors open at 5 p.m. and giving thanks if they are lucky enough to get the Hottest Toy before it sells out. Shit house mouse. They’re a mess, but they’re my mess.
Pretty and the old woman Slow can give thanks with the best of them, if you catch my drift, and if they weren’t both sick with the Epizootey they’d be headed to Pretty’s family gathering at the First Baptist Church of Fingerville, South Carolina tomorrow afternoon. We’ll see if they make it. Otherwise, we’ll twiddle our paws together at Casa de Canterbury.
Did somebody say Food and Football? Ok. I’m thankful.
Get me outta here Percy…first comes Thanksgiving and then Whoa Nellie! We’ll be looking slap in the face of 2014…Happy Thanksgiving to all our Sports Fans everywhere!
P.S. Thanks to those special Amigos who sent their home remedies to cure Slow’s Epizootey which she has now given to Pretty. Unfortunately, nothing appears to be working but we appreciate the thoughts and will hope for a miracle cure in the near future.
The Red Man, Spike and Tennis Ball Obsessed Chelsea
The old woman Slow has been under the weather since Sunday, and we are all the worse for it. Yesterday afternoon I was so desperate for a little exercise I actually went outside and played in the back yard with Spike and TBO Chelsea who, I might add, continues to remain focused on yellow tennis balls. Boring, super boring.
Take your paw off me, you big Neanderthal
Never, I repeat, Never Ever mess with The Red Man
Exercise is overrated anyway.
Ho, hum. Get me outta here Percy…maybe it’s time for Ellen…I’ll just dance along with her.
Well Amigos, you’d think we’d have PLENTY of room in the comfy king-sized bed at Casa de Canterbury without you-know-who, but think again.
The old woman Slow has her days and nights mixed up, and we don’t know when she will need her place so we have to huddle at the bottom of the bed to be prepared for the pile- on.
Tonight she self-medicated with her grandmother’s tried and true mixture of honey, lemon juice and bourbon heated in a pan on the stove and poured quickly into a shot glass and downed in a gulp. The Red Man has observed that the measurement proportions appear to be shifting from equal to light on the lemon juice and heavier on the bourbon as the dosages increase. I’m just saying.
Regardless, still more coughing and coughing. Restlessness.
Next, she took her two Aleves for her regular arthritis and sciatica pains – followed by her controlled substance drug of choice, ambien. Usually, this will ease her into dreamland, but not tonight.
Continued coughing and now Pretty is awake, too. The Red Man is awake, Spike is awake, Pretty is unhappily awake – and Chelsea has left the bed for the sofa downstairs.
Entonces which is Spanish for then, Slow gets up and heads for the medicine cabinet and reaches for the Big Gun. Nyquil. Ignoring the label about too much acetaminophen can kill you or worse, she pours the cap full and chugs it. I feel like I’m at a fraternity party.
So I told her we might as well write something since we’re up anyway. So here we are in the middle of the night sending an appeal to all of our cyber space Sports Fans for any suggestions for curing the cough and knocking out the daffy old twit.
This is our second night with this problemo which is Spanish for problem and frankly, my dears, I’m forced to give a damn since her cough is both annoying and leads to my own sleep deprivation.
Get me outta here Percy…it’s a full moon and I’m wide awake. Heads are going to roll.
P.S. She must be reaching an altered state now – she’s had to look up how to spell acetaminophen three times. Finally she brought the Nyquil bottle to the computer and after checking the spelling one more time, took another swig of the green vileness for good luck. Oh yeah, beam her up, Scotty.
Hahaha. Paw Snaps and Twirls. Well, Amigos, all I can say is The Red Man still has some gas left in his tank and he burned it in Rosewood yesterday afternoon during the Daily Field and Forest Walk. Yessiree, The Red Man left the Big Dawgs and the old woman Slow scratching their tails and wagging their heads when they got back to the Dodge Dakota pickup and realized Somebody was M.I.A. Missing in Action. I wish I’d had been a flea on the upholstery.
It was so easy. Here’s how it went down.
Slow decided to take the whole three- pack with her for the afternoon Freedom Walk. You know, no leashes attached, just dogs on the loose. She usually decides she can manage with Two but whichever one of us doesn’t make Slow’s Choice pitches a hissy fit…so yesterday for some reason known only to her, she took all Three of us. Classic mistake.
Tennis Ball Obsessed Chelsea chased tennis balls in the field until she got tired and dropped the ball somewhere out of sight and out of her mind. Spike ran off into the woods and we heard him barking at squirrels from Wherever. Of course, I cleverly pretended to be fascinated with Slow and TBO Chelsea and ran around in their vicinity until we reached the halfway mark of our mile-long outing and all started back through the woods for the Dodge Dakota.
Spike came racing over to the trail where we were walking together at this point and then he dashed off excitedly to chase another squirrel. That’s when I made my move. Heh, heh. Couldn’t have been sweeter if I’d run for a touchdown against Mizzou. I ran off in the direction of Spike and then The Red Man made a U-turn.
Slow and TBO Chelsea walked North and Spike ran parallel to them in the same route, continuing his insane loud noises crashing around in the underbrush and trying to catch the little furry creatures that taunted him. Slow kept calling him to come with her and was preoccupied with getting him on track.
As for The Red Man, well, I ran South. And ran And ran. And ran. I ran through the briars and I ran through the brambles and I ran through the bushes where the rabbits didn’t go, to borrow a phrase from Johnny Horton. I ran so fast that the hounds couldn’t catch me on down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
Actually, not quite that far but I did run out of those woods and across the busy street in front of the Boys and Girls Club on S. Holly and I caught the sounds of horns honking and brakes screeching while I kept running. I swear it was the like the Good Ol’ Days when I used to escape if I saw a crack in Homeland Security like an open gate or door. I mean to tell you I ran so fast I was a BLUR.
And then, as so often happens on my solo adventures, I slowed down and looked around and wondered where the hell I was. Geez Louise and Sweet Lady Gaga. Shades of Lewis and Clark. Where am I now that I need me.
The next thing I knew this nice young man wearing glasses and walking his mutt on a leash came up to me while I was standing somewhere in the vicinity of S. Bonham and St. Elsewhere and said Come here little doggie and grabbed my collar. Captured. Game Over.
Of course he had a cell phone and dialed the old woman Slow’s number on my tag. Do you have a dog called The Red Man he asked. I could hear her hysterical Yes and I’m out trying desperately to find him right now. Poor thing. She was a wreck.
Well, Sports Fans, all’s well that ends well, as I am fond of saying so the nice young man wearing glasses took me to meet Slow who thanked him profusely for ”rescuing” me and was so unnerved she’d forgotten to bring a leash and had to carry me back to the Dodge Dakota and since she’d already been combing the woods for me, she could barely breathe by the time we got back to the truck filled with TBO Chelsea and Spike who were channeling Slow’s anxiety.
Naturally, she had to call Pretty who was at work at the Mast General Store and relay the whole story on the drive home to Casa de Canterbury. I could tell Pretty took it in stride because she said That’s Red for you. Practical Pretty.
So today I’ve been in Recovery Mode and sleeping in with Pretty who had the day off. Whew. Takes me longer to Recover these days, if you catch my drift.
Get me outta here Percy. Time for a Rimadyl cocktail. Catch you later, Sports Fans.
The Red Man likes to let off steam after Game Day
A walk in the woods is just the ticket
What’s behind Door # 1?
Nothing evidently. It’s locked.
Bummer…I’m tired…let’s ride
Well Sports Fans, as you all know, The Red Man likes to spend Saturdays with 82,000 of his closest Amigos and their Cocks whether they are at home or away. The first Saturday of November they were at home in Williams Brice Stadium and were fired up and ready to play another group of Bulldawgs - this time from MissyPrissy State.
Defensive Cocks may have been the last ones out of the tunnel…
…but Saturday was their day to be First to receive The Red Man’s Paw Snaps and Twirls. In a bruiser of a contest, the D played great to hold the Bulldawgs to 16 points and force 5 turnovers that set up the Offense to score 34 points to win the game. Sweet Lady Gaga. If the D hadn’t shown up, the Cocks could’ve come up too short to win.
The Red Man sends Paw Snaps and Twirls to Victor Hampton who had a spectacular game with 8 tackles, 3 pass break-ups, and a forced fumble he recovered. Wow Victor you are a Rocking Cock!
Although the Offense had a Bad Day at Black Rock, running back Mike Davis gets Paw Snaps and Twirls for his 128 yards rushing which put him over the 1,000 yards mark for the regular season with three games left to play. See Mike run. See Mike catch passes. See Mike smile. See how much The Red Man and Pretty love Mike.
The old lady Slow was also pumped to see her Longhorns hook Kansas 35 to 13 in a Big 12 conference win that keeps their hopes alive for the Conference Championship Game. Paw Snaps and Twirls to Texas running back Malcolm Brown who ran for 119 yards and 4 touchdowns. See Malcolm run. See Mack Brown smile. See how much Mack Brown and Slow love Malcolm Brown. (Hey, are these Browns related?)
Two weekends in a row of Heavy Duty Football monitoring have made my nerves jangle so I was happy for the hike on Sunday. Thank the Gods of Daylight Savings Time for the extra hour of sleep Saturday night. Tough getting used to having breakfast an hour later, though. Oh well, you can’t have everything.
Get me outta here Percy…I need to see what that old woman has on tap for us today.
The Red Man is overcome with shame by the nocturnal activities of the old woman Slow and Pretty last night. Sweet Lady Gaga – not THOSE activities – I wish. No, I’m afraid to say that once again, the two were singing at the top of their lungs at midnight when Spike and Tennis Ball Obsessed Chelsea and moi were just trying to catch a few zzzz’s with them in the king-sized bed before Football Saturday.
We can kinda cut Slow a break since she had a couple of Bourbons out at Uncle Dick and Uncle Curtis’s farm earlier in the evening when the lesbians visited the gays for dinner which is always much more successful than the other way around. The gays cook great meals and have plenty of adult beverages for imbibers of which Pretty is not one so Slow tries to make up for her.
So Pretty really has no excuse for her Midnight Music Mania.
Eat your heart out, Sammy Hagar. These two Could give you a run for your money with your Fire Fighting Song, but as usual – they can’t remember any words to any song so all we heard was:
My Baby’s on Fire-yahhhhhh! She’s on Fire-yahhhhhh!! followed by hysterical laughing and asking each other what the next words were followed by the repeat of My Baby’s on Fire-yahhhhhh!!
They couldn’t even come up with She takes me high-errrrr or Let it burn. Pathetic.
And what started this bawdy behavior…
Simply put – one word. Minnowpaws. Who knew fish had paws?
Get me outta here Percy – the Cocks are about to kick off and I’m missing College Game Day. Catch ya later Sports Fans.
So The Red Man has to admit we saw a duke’s mixture of trick or treaters at Casa de Canterbury last night. They started the procession at dusk around 5:30 and kept on coming for three hours. The old woman Slow and moi were Busy Bees handing out candy that Pretty brought home from the Mast General Store candy barrels. Pretty was in charge of Restraining Dog Exuberance while Slow was in charge of Happy Halloween greetings. Ugh. Sometimes her cheerfulness makes me so tired.
I don’t know why my mommy said she could take my picture
What’s that little dog’s name?
Ok these little girls win Best Smiles
Most Popular with the old woman Slow
And so Slow asked this little girl, Where did you get this football uniform costume?
And so the little girl said, It’s my uniform from my team.
And so Slow was astonished and said, You play on a football team? Which one?
And so the little girl said, Pop Warner Hurricanes.
And so Slow asked, What position do you play?
And so the little girl said, Quarterback.
And then of course The Red Man had to be embarrassed because Slow hugged the little football quarterback and went into this long soliloquy about how she’d always wanted to play football herself but little girls weren’t allowed to play football when she was growing up blah blah blah. The little girl didn’t way a word to any of that bullshit and FINALLY was rescued by her mother who said, Tell the nice woman thank you for the candy and we have to go. Geez Louise.
By the time we turned the lights out we were almost out of candy so let’s just say Canterbury Road and Manning Avenue rocked with Halloween Lovers in 2013 and our casa went right along with them.
Get me outta here Percy…I need to prep for the football games this weekend…Happy Friday Sports Fans – have a great weekend and hope all your favorite teams win except you-know-who-you-are…