Author Archives: Sheila Morris

Massages, Astrologers and Pound Cake – What’s Next?

Well Amigos today takes the cake, and I do mean takes it, as in Long Gone.  Sayonara.  Adios.  Goodbye to the Stickboy Bakery pound cake that Pretty bought for the old woman Slow for her birthday which is coming up the 21st.  Imported from Boone, North Carolina by a special messenger who also works at the Mast General Store with Pretty who spares no expense to make Slow happy on her 68th. birthday.  Geez Louise. This clearly ain’t her first rodeo so why bother.

Pretty brought the cake to Slow a week in advance because she knows she will refuse to share it and she doesn’t want her to try to eat the whole thing in a day.

 

002

The last remains will be gone tonight. Trust me.

And if it was just the cake, The Red Man could let it go without dramatics, but today Slow and Pretty carried the celebrations too far.

They went for a Massage with Hot Rocks and then they both went to an Astrologer who read their Charts which must have been something else because when Slow asked Pretty how her reading went Pretty said Well, I was as interesting as I always thought I was.

That’s Pretty for you – always as funny as she thinks she is, too.  Heh, heh.

Massages, Astrologers, Pound Cake…what’s next?

So Sports Fans we have no clue.  We’ll just have to hide and watch.

Have a great weekend cyberspace Amigos, and when you’re out having a cocktail or two, raise a toast to the old woman Slow.

063

She ain’t much, but she’s all we got

Get me outta here Percy…it must be time for my meds.

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

011

White rocking chairs now at Casa de Canterbury?

Well Amigos take a good look at this picture.  The white rockers look somewhat strange on the front porch of Casa de Canterbury instead of their usual home next to the swing on the front porch of Worsham Street in Texas, but The Red Man is nothing if not flexible and will have to get used to the new look.

The 16 foot rental truck stuff is now unloaded and the New Great Challenge appears to be finding a place for the contents of the gazillion boxes we brought from Texas.

The old woman Slow’s office is SRO which is the abbreviation for Standing Room Only and I’m not just whistling Dixie about that.  So far my bed is the only thing that remains free of clutter.  Clutter, clutter, everywhere and not a place to walk.  Well I never…no truly I never.

My nerves are jangling at this point and I’m actually looking forward to watching the final episode of season one of Orange is the New Black tonight.  Apparently prisons are full of entertaining lesbians and The Red Man is now a fan of the inmates in that show.  Who’s surprised.

Get me outta here Percy.  I need a disco nap before the next wave of excitement.

No Matter Where You Ride To…

OMG are you kidding me?  Four years ago we packed up half our stuff at Casa de Canterbury in South Carolina  and moved it a thousand miles to Worsham Street in Texas and here we are four years later packing  up all  the same stuff plus more on Worsham Street and moving it back to Casa de Canterbury.  Sweet Lady Gaga.  Somebody help me!!  Please stop these two crazy lesbians who seem to be chasing their own tails.

What will The Red Man ever do without the Little Women of Worsham and the Fabulous Huss Brothers??  The Saints preserve me.

Well Amigos when you gotta go , you gotta go and The Red Man has to go where la familia which is Spanish for family goes so Tennis Ball Obsessed Chelsea and moi made a mad dash to Pretty’s Toyota Forerunner because we were afraid they would forget us.  Not intentionally of course - but they were so gobsmacked we thought they had lost their effectiveness and memory along with it.

053

Notice empty back seat

We, however, were on full alert as imported Number One Son and Pretty packed the 16 ft rental truck and the Toyota while Slow supervised.  Key word: 16 ft.

012

It takes a LONG time to pack a 16 ft truck

054

One of us got tired

055

 

Somebody had to remain vigilant as the stuff

piled around me

Well Amigos the major problem of the day was that Number One Son had told Pretty and Slow to order a 24 ft truck but Pretty and Slow thought they would rent a 16 ft since it was much cheaper and they thought it would do just as well.  Not really – sardines in a can couldn’t be packed any tighter than the stuff in that truck.  Everybody held their breath when the back door was shut.

056

Finally got packed and rolling

So this was my view for a thousand miles as I sat on Slow’s lap in the front seat since there was barely room for Spike in the back seat.  TBO Chelsea rode in the rental truck with Number One Son and I was the lucky dog who had to look at the back of a rental truck with some ungodly piece of art Pretty was determined to take home with her.

All’s well that ends well, as The Red Man is fond of saying, and everyone and everything arrived safely and in one piece.

Unloading a 16 ft truck is as much fun as loading one and takes almost as long.  Casa de Canterbury now looks like an Amazon warehouse and I am sure items are available at bargain prices.  Sigh.

We are a tired group today and if we had tail feathers, they would be dragging, but The Red Man can pass along this moral to today’s story: no matter where you ride to …that’s where you are.

019

Welcome Home

Get me outta here Percy…and thanks to our followers in cyberspace for hanging with us through the years on Worsham Street.  We won’t say adios to Worsham – we’ll just say hasta la vista to the ‘Hood which is Spanish for see you later on.

Pretty’s in the ‘Hood!

Good news for Worsham Street – Pretty’s back and she brought Tennis Ball Obsessed Chelsea with her.  Frankly, I could have done without the Needy Black Dog, but here she is and all I can say is Two’s a Party but Three’s a Crowd.

002

 We like our wide open spaces

at the West Montgomery County Park

Tennis Ball Obsessed Chelsea, moi and Spike

009

Of course The Red Man is still the Leader of the Pack

The week is a BLUR… Pretty roared in mid-week and immediately unloaded countless boxes of Stuff to add to the Stuff the old woman Slow has been organizing and pricing for the past two weeks here in the house .  This weekend is The Big Event:  it’s a moving sale extravaganza on Worsham Street.

022

What’s wrong with this picture?

Oops.  Unfortunately, the first day of the three-day weekend sale was a BUST as in only one couple showed up the entire day.  Pretty and Slow scratched their collective heads and figured a marketing glitch had occurred so a mad dash to Jim’s Hardware produced a fresh set of DELUXE signs and off they went tonight – along with the Imported Lesbian from South Carolina who thankfully has great talents in Sign Printing.  Personally, The Red Man thought they all lingered a little too long sniffing the Marks-A-Lot but what do I know.

001

I’m exhausted

The Imported Lesbian shared my sofa today

Hospitality is The Red Man’s strong suit

Get me outta here Percy.  We’ve got two more days of this nightmare.  Hope all of my Sports Fans are enjoying March Madness and having more fun than I am this weekend.

 

We Is All Gobsmacked

Worsham Street had company this weekend – friends of the old woman Slow, of course.  As if my nerves weren’t already frayed around the edges with the house in total chaos over the Big Move, we had to add this little aggravation to the mix.

003

Her name is Molly

Oh sure, she looks all sweet and nicey-nicey, but she had the audacity to actually GROWL at The Red Man right here in his own house.  Unbelievable.  That little black dog had Attitude with a Capital A.  I hate Attitude.

013

Spike asked me What’s the Plan?

Well Amigos this ain’t my first rodeo so I told him our best bet was to pretend she wasn’t here.

018

Get as far away from her as possible

Meanwhile, Slow and Molly’s Moms rocked on the front porch and laughed and rocked and told tall Texas tales about their high school days which is what they apparently remember better than what they had for supper.  And speaking of supper, the great Baby Back Barbecue Rib chase was on.

010

First Stop: Yo’ Mama’s

009

No ribs ready there – but lots of advice

I heard them say they ended up at Phil’s who did have barbecued ribs cooked and baked sweet potatoes to go with them so no danger of anyone going hungry in the ‘Hood.  By the time they finished their margaritas, I’m guessing they didn’t even care whether the ribs were barbecued or not.  Put some salt around my rim and call me Jose Cuervo.

So Sports Fans the little black dog is gone home to East Texas and Spike and I are left with Slow and her perpetual projects of filling cardboard boxes and tagging items everywhere around the house for the yard sale.

Where in the world is Pretty???  Help me, Pretty…please help me.  Rescue me from this Tasmanian devil who has invaded the old woman Slow.

Get me outta here Percy…I’m looking for a vacant spot to lay my gobsmacked head.

P.S. I don’t know if gobsmacked is a real word but I saw it used today to describe the feelings of The Good Wife fans who just witnessed the out-of-the-blue death of Will Gardner last night.  Slow and Pretty were so shocked they couldn’t even have their usual cell phone wrapup of one of their favorite tv shows.  I think they were gobsmacked.

Chaos in the ‘Hood

OMG, the inmates are running the asylum in the ‘Hood these days.  Pretty had to go back to work as soon as we got to Worsham Street so it’s just the old woman Slow and the boxes and those annoying post-it notes all over everything we’re selling.

Help!! I’m afraid she’s going to make a mistake and tape one to moi!  Handsome Terrier For Sale – oh no, oh no, oh no.  She’s dangerous without Pretty – I swear she’s selling EVERYTHING.  Total Chaos in the ‘Hood.

Thank goodness we got to go for a run in the West Montgomery County Park today – a taste of Freedom for me and Spike – the desperadoes of Worsham Street.

005

Free as a bird – must be fun to be a hawk

008

Spike has to sniff everything I do

(If he got a Report Card, it would say “Lacks Imagination”)

009

010

Hey – watch what you’re doing Big Guy

011

Which way did she go?

013

I think Freedom is overrated – I’m headed to the Dodge Dakota

Well Amigos I have to say it’s good to have the wind at your back on a beautiful day like today when you can forgive Texas for almost anything.  Yessiree.  I get the Texas thing.

But …we’re blowing this popsicle stand in a few days so get me outta here Percy…I want to be sure Slow packs my Thunder Shirt.  Never leave home without it.  It can thunder anywhere.

C-H-A-N-G-E is a Four-Letter Word

008

Front porch looks the same

007

Flag still flying

010

Face in the Big Tree across Worsham Street still staring

As you can see, Amigos, The Red Man has returned to the “Hood in Texas and is happy to report all is well on Worsham Street.  The Little Women are  present and accounted for and the Huss Brothers are their usual happy selves and of course going in three different directions at the same time.

Pretty drove the old woman Slow and Spike and moi in our old Dodge Dakota pickup truck from Casa de Canterbury in South Carolina the thousand miles to Texas and I don’t mind to tell you I was glad to be out of those close quarters and on terra firma, if you catch my drift.

And speaking of drift, I have a whiff of the winds of change blowing through our lives lately.  I’m not sure what’s up, but whatever it is involves a ton of cardboard boxes and a flurry of activity to fill them with our worldly possessions in our house on Worsham and that’s a sign I’ve seen before.

Get me outta here Percy – I’m a Dog on the Edge tonight. C-H-A-N-G-E is a four-letter word to me.

OSCARS 2014: Celebrities, Selfies and Sugar Daddies

Cameras ready,  red carpet dry, celebrities in full bloom …it must be Oscar night at Casa de Canterbury!  Whoopee…yawn.  Another year, another Big Awards Show.  Be still, my heart. No seriously – be still or Pretty will throw you out of the bleacher seats.  Heh, heh.  That Pretty.  She loves her some movies and a good Awards Show.

006

Julia Roberts on the red carpet – she was nominated

(wearing black lace Givenchy)

004

Charlize Theron in front of Oscar she wasn’t nominated for

(wearing Dior and accessorizes with a 31-carat diamond necklace)

Law, you rich folks.

012

The Red Man watching at Casa de Canterbury

(wearing blue Puppia – accessorizes with matching

blue bone-shaped name tag)

So it was Ellen Does the Oscars Night in Hollywood for this year’s last hurrah for the Awards Seasons.  At our casa held together by my two favorite lesbians the old woman Slow and Pretty, having Ellen host the Oscars is like having the Pope give a papal blessing from his balcony in the Vatican.  Amen, Sisters!!

003

Most Famous Lesbian Ellen hosts Oscars

(she’s got Happy written all over her face – and why not?

Highest number of viewers for this telecast in a decade)

007

Julia Roberts thinks Ellen is very funny

(she didn’t win Oscar for Best Supporting Actress)

005

June Squibb thinks Ellen is funny, too

(she didn’t win Best supporting Actress, either

but she’s 84 years old and just happy to be alive)

I’d rate Ellen an A+ for her opening monologue and festive attire. Leave it to the Head Lesbian to not wear a dress.  Yikes!  The mind reels with the image of Ellen in a dress.

025

OMG – it’s Ellen in a dress!

Now that’s funny.  The Red Man thinks she’s gone a little too far over the rainbow in this dress which she wore after a person named Pink sang the classic tune from The Wizard of Oz in honor of the 75th Anniversary of Dorothy and her yellow brick road.

026

Pink sings Somewhere Over the Rainbow

(just beautiful – oh yes and the song, too)

015

Bette Midler brought her A game

Thank God for you, Bette –

you’re still the wind beneath The Red Man’s paws

029

Ellen ordered pizza for anyone who was hungry

(and/or the most famous)

028

Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts preferred cheese

034

Next she gathered a group for a Selfie

035

Easier said than done apparently

036

Finally the Tweet that stopped Twitter!

And so Amigos, this is what we’ve come to at the Oscars – Ellen tweets a Selfie to a gazillion people watching all over the world – and the Tweeter burps.  A minor hiccup with a speedy recovery but nevertheless a blip on the radar screen of cyberspace.

And btw, as the evening wore on and the Celebrities snacked on pizza, Pretty licked her Sugar Daddies. Heh, heh.  For those of you who are clueless about Sugar Daddies, they are caramel candies on a stick and you can buy them at the Mast General Store where Pretty works downtown on Main Street.  She loves them.

The old woman Slow was our photographer for the evening and is clearly still not the Ansel Adams of digital camera pictures.  Shit house mouse.  Can she do anything right?

And as everybody who had anything to do with the Best Picture 12 Years a Slave crowded around director Steve McQueen and producer Brad Pitt as they clutched their golden statues, the curtain came down on another Awards Season.

Bravo! Paw Snaps and Twirls to all the Winners and Losers wherever they may be celebrating or commiserating – it was a great year for the movies and…

 The Stars were shining bright

 In the skies over Hollywood tonight.

Get me outta here Percy…I’m a poet and don’t know it…catch you next year Movie Lovers…

RUDE – CALL SECURITY!!

So anyway, this is why I don’t do a lot of visiting to otra casas which is Spanish for other houses.

001

Her name is Asta

she looks like the dog that won Best in Show 

at Westminster this year

 The old woman Slow took me to play with this little bitch yesterday and I got my bearings right away.

Oh, I said to myself, this is the cute little puppy I stayed with a couple of years ago when Slow and Pretty were gone on their trip with Number One Son and Pretty Two.  She sure has grown up to be beautiful with her Wire-Haired Fox Terrier self.

008

She”s so cute, right?

maybe we’ll be best friends

The water bowl was empty so Asta’s mom had the good Southern hospitality to step outside to fill it for us when WHOA! NELLIE!

That little dog turned on me like a tornado striking a house of cards and almost killed me!

Rude – Security Please!!

No one came to the rescue and before I could say Lay off you hound of the Baskerville that dog had flipped me over on my back and was spraddled all over me like we were about to have an intimate relation but who would want to have sex with this monster whose teeth were bared and about to puncture my jugular vein…Sweet Lady Gaga.

Of course, The Red Man recovered from the shock and shook her off, but all I can say is where are your friends when you need them?

005

I have renamed this dog Lasta

because that is my nerve she stomped all over 

Get me outta here Percy…it’s finally the weekend…and I say Be Careful who you visit, Sports Fans…they can turn on you in a heartbeat…

Pretty’s Store Next to Nick Now

Well, well, well.  Wonders never cease.  The old woman Slow invited me to go with her to the Marquee Lighting at The Nickelodeon movie theater tonight.  The Nick is the Artsy-Fartsy movie place downtown where Pretty loves to go and read what the actors are saying in French or Iranian instead of just watching people speak English on the big screen.

001

Lots of people came to Main Street tonight

(yellow tennis shoes are the rage – Pretty has a pair, too)

 010

Suits gave speeches while everyone waited

One of the Suits talked about the Mast General Store where Pretty works.  He said whenever someone needed directions to The Nick, they always were told it was on Main Street next to The Mast General Store.

Now people would be saying The Mast General Store is on Main Street next to The Nick.  Heh, heh.  Get it?  This Marquee is a Big Deal.

016

Wow – Bright Lights, Big City

020

The Red Man loves a party!

Now if only they would modify that No Dogs Allowed policy…get me outta here Percy…I’m not watching any movies here tonight evidently…