Breaking News in Texas – Both Good and Bad!

Well Amigos, there is great relief in the ongoing saga of the Missing Baby Jesus: a new Baby Jesus has been purchased by the Church Nativity Committee and our top Grimes County correspondent who happens to be Slow’s cousin and is a/k/a  Church Organist has sent pictures to confirm.  Thank you very much Church Organist, and keep the news flowing.

The exhausting three-year drought of the kidnapping of the BJ is now officially over.  The person or persons responsible for the disappearance were never discovered so no one has been brought to justice for the crime which is now a Cold Case, but then you can’t have everything.

Navasota Nativity Baby Jesus

New Baby Jesus arrived just in time for Christmas -  Hooray!

Unfortunately, Bad News often follows Good News, and this is certainly the case (heh, heh) in Navasota, Texas, on this 15th. day of December with 10 days left until Christmas.

Navasota Nativity Overview

Manger Members now homeless – manger fell into disrepair and disintegrated


Manger members scattered randomly across church lawn – 

gaping hole in leg of Wise Man’s camel – no repair budgeted this year

Navasota Nativity

The cow is too far away to adore anybody

The Church Organist’s brother The Country Farmer is exasperated with the Nativity Committee and their reckless disregard for historical accuracy and has demanded the Chairman be fired –  if he can be found.  The Chairman ran off with one of the ladies in the choir two years ago and has participated in the meetings from an undisclosed remote location since then.  However, sounds of waves crashing in an ocean are often heard when he’s on his speaker phone during meetings.  Hmmm…

So the high drama that surrounds the Church Nativity Scene continues in 2014 with no relief in sight.  The Red Man has trouble remembering how the outdoor scene should look.  Luckily, one appeared today in Columbia.

Nativity Scene in Columbia

Now that’s what I’m talking about

Get me outta here Percy, Pretty is working late at the Mast General Store tonight, and the old woman Slow is dangerous when left unattended…duty calls.

Slow Goes to the Library



Pretty Too helped the old woman Slow set up her table

(Pretty was at work at the Mast General Store today)


Old Woman Slow at her table for Local Authors Showcase

at Richland County Public Library today

So this is what Slow was doing instead of editing The Red Man’s important rants and raves – whatever.

Get me outta here Percy before I’m naughty…and it’s too close to Christmas for that…

Merry Whatever…and Update on Missing Baby Jesus

So guess who was at Pretty’s Mast General Store today…


Never trust a Santa who has to wear a name tag

All’s well that ends well, as The Red Man is fond of saying and we have our Amiga Timekia to thank for this photo – we stood in line with the rest of the kids who came downtown for the Santa experience today.  The Mast General Store was humming and Main Street was probably as busy as Fifth Avenue in New York…well, maybe not that busy – but definitely in the holiday spirit.

We have updates on the missing Baby Jesus from the cousins in Navasota, Texas this year.  As our faithful followers will remember, the Nativity Scene at their church has been without the Baby Jesus for three years now. He was stolen – lifted right out of the outdoor Nativity Scene.

 According to Church Organist, he mentioned this in the business meeting at the church last week and apparently the minister said the Nativity Committee had completely forgotten about the missing Baby Jesus and then he said, oh well, they would worry about that later since Baby J wasn’t born until the 24th. anyway.

And then, the committee decided to place one of the sheep in front of the Wise Man’s knee which now has a hole in it rather than spending any money to repair the hole.  The roof is in tatters this year, but no funds were allocated to fix it.

When Church Organist’s brother Country Farmer heard this news, he became enraged and said he is personally contacting the chairman of the Nativity Committee next week and telling him that the Baby Jesus has been around for thousands of years and you can’t possibly have a proper Nativity Scene without him.

There is high drama in the church this year, and The Red Man will report updates as we get them from the cousins in Grimes County.

Get me outta here Percy – I’m a dog looking for some nog…

Fun and Games

Well Amigos, I have to say nothing entertains moi more than escaping the clutches of the old woman Slow and making a mad dash for freedom –  which isn’t free as everyone knows.  But does everyone also know how much fun it is to make a run for it when you’re being chased, and I use that term loosely, by a slow-as-molasses-in-the-winter-time old overweight lesbian who might move a little faster if she wasn’t using up so much of her air by hollering at the top of her lungs:  Red, Red…come here, RedRed, RED!!!  Come here, you little bastard…

And see, this is how God punishes her when she starts calling me names.  I was almost ready to turn around because my paws were killing me while I was running lickety-split  across the concrete parking lot away from Slow and Tennis Ball Obsessed Chelsea and Squirrel Chaser Spike, but no turning around when the name-calling started.

It all happened, like, in an instant – as all great escapes surely do.  A moment of opportunity appeared and The Red Man seized it.  Slow parked the Dodge Dakota in our regular spot next to the field and woods where we walk.  TBO Chelsea and SqC Spike are allowed to run free whenever we go there, but since I have a reputation as an escape artist, I am always on a leash.  The old girl opened her front door but took a little too much time fumbling around for my leash in the floorboard of the front passenger seat and whoosh! Squirrel Chaser Spike leaped from the back seat across Slow’s body and then hightailed it out the open door.

Wham, bam, thank you ma’am and in the confusion that followed The Red Man bolted over Slow and out the door behind Spike.  She hadn’t even turned off the engine so she was trying to pick up the leash and make sure her cell phone was in her jeans pocket and raise the windows and turn off the engine and by the time she collected herself and got out of the truck, there went TBO Chelsea.

Perfect.  I couldn’t have had more fun if I’d planned it.

TBO Chelsea and SqC Spike took off for the field like they were supposed to, and I took off in the opposite direction toward the high school football stadium parking lot and the main road where all the action was.  That totally freaked her out, and here she came after me.  And then the Big Dogs aren’t the brightest bulbs in the light fixtures so the next thing I knew they were both running with Slow toward me and the street.

Hilarious…they looked like the Three Stooges and I was having a high time but I thought I better reverse my course because while The Red Man can get away with squealing tires and honking horns and never takes a hit, I didn’t want to be responsible for my pursuers.  I  didn’t want it on my conscience if something happened to them.

But you know sometimes you just can’t help yourself.  This was one of those times…I swear the Devil made me do it.  When I turned around, I ran so fast that I blew past The Three Stooges like they weren’t there.  Slow lunged to grab me but she looked like the Gamecock defense this year and tried to arm tackle moi – didn’t even come close.

I can’t even repeat the words she was saying by then.

Well Sports Fans, I decided to slow down since I was running in the direction I should have been running in the first place – what’s the point of racing toward what you ought to be doing after all – and my posse caught up with me and I can’t say I minded the leash.  The great escapes are still fun, but frankly they wear me out so I was ready to be caught.

So what’s the moral of our story today?  You’re never too old to make an escape from anything, but if you want to be caught, don’t run too far.

Get me out of here Percy…it’s the weekend and The Red Man hopes all of his cyberspace Amigos and Sports Fans enjoy it!  Later, gators…







‘Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving

Well Amigos ’twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the casa

    Nobody was stirring – they were all full of pasta

The Three Musketeers: Red, Chelsea and Spike

Were snuggled in bed so turn off the light

Pretty told Slow to hurry to bed

She was so tired of petting Red’s head

As everyone hugged, kissed each other good night

Slow rolled over and turned out the light

No visions of sugar plums danced in this place

Their thoughts turned to friends in deep cyberspace

Their Sports Fans were many, their wishes were few

They wished that their Fans could come into view

But since they could not, they wished with their might

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night

P.S. Get me outta here Percy, The Red Man isn’t much of a poet…obviously.

The Merry-Go-Round of LOVE and the Roller Coaster of HAPPINESS!

Well Amigos, the old woman Slow and Pretty got a marriage license today – what’s that you say?  A marriage license?  Sweet Lady Gaga…you mean the gays are getting married in South Carolina now – OMG it’s the Rapture, and we’ve been left!!



So Spike, Tennis Ball Obsessed Chelsea, Pretty, Slow and yours truly The Red Man were winding down the day late in the afternoon at Casa de Canterbury today, you know just sitting around the kitchen table,  when Pretty said Hey I see somebody coming up the steps to the front door and I think it’s our neighbor Judge McCullough and she jumped up and ran to the door before this Your Hottie Honor even had a chance to ring the doorbell and then Slow jumped up too and the rest of us went running and barking following Slow like we always do whenever anyone comes to the casa and Pretty got to the door first.

Your Hottie Honor gave this Marriage License to Pretty who had opened the front door and then she said Congratulations and hugged Pretty and tried to hug Slow who had her hands full keeping us dogs from running out the front door.  Then she ran down the steps back to her car  waving her arms in the air like a big Hallelujah or Eureka or Victory Salute.  I swear she did.  I saw it with my own eyes.

Apparently this is a very Big Deal to Pretty and Slow who have been laughing and crying ever since she came by.  I mean it, laughing AND crying.  Okay.  I say, let them go for it – spin the merry-go-round of LOVE and the roller coaster of HAPPINESS and let the good times roll.  Turn on some ABBA and let the old girls P-A-R-T-Y…Dancing Queens…Take a Chance on Me…having the time of their lives…

Get me outta here Percy…I am an emotional wreck tonight…