All posts by Sheila Morris

Sheila Morris is an essayist with humorist tendencies and a passion for photojournalism. She has two published memoirs and a third published essay collection and has been blogging for fouryears as her alter ego, The Red Man, her rescued Welsh terrier. She is a bi-stateual living in South Carolina and Texas with her partner Teresa and their three dogs Chelsea, Spike and Red. Please visit her other blog I'll Call It Like I See It by clicking on the top of Red's Rants and Raves! The Old Woman's Slow's Photos are a third blog with an emphasis (surprise, surprise) on her photography.

OSCARS 2015: YOU’RE THE BOMB SISTER!

Well Amigos so much has floated through cyberspace this week about the 2015 Academy Awards already that The Red Man has been trying to sift through the sound bites and social media posts to keep his head from spinning perilously out of control.  Sweet Lady Gaga – oops…I do believe I saw her in person at the Oscars.

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The hall was alive with the fiftieth anniversary Sound of Music tribute performed by Lady Gaga in a beautiful gown and amazing red rubber gloves.  She sang great but the red gloves and tattoos made me nervous.

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Paw Snaps and Twirls to J. K. Simmons who won Best Supporting Actor – The Red Man remembers him with great fondness from his days on The Closer. Come back, Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson – The Red Man misses you every Monday night!

Meryl Streep was nominated for Best Supporting Actress – but she didn’t win…again.  Ethan Hawke was also nominated for Best Supporting Actor for Boyhood – he didn’t win, either.

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Julianne Moore won Best Actress for Still Alice. It was her fifth nomination – so we send Paw Snaps and Twirls to her for hanging in there. Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs…

 

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The sets were spectacular and NPH was okay, but we missed Ellen.

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Another highlight was John Legend who won an Oscar for his song Glory from the movie Selma – Paw Snaps and Twirls to John and his music – The Red Man loved it. Pretty and the old woman Slow loved the movie.

 

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Meryl loved the song, too – Jennifer Hudson couldn’t believe she wasn’t in the choir.

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Rosamund Pike was nominated for Gone Girl, but she lost.  Alas, only one winner per category.The Red Man wonders if her friends call her Rosie?

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Patricia Arquette (the daughter of actor Lewis Arquette and granddaughter of comedian Cliff Arquette) won Best Supporting Actress for Boyhood and gave one of those historical epic political acceptance speeches which included making waves to save the environment and demanding equal pay for women and well…

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Meryl Streep and Jennifer Lopez loved it…

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and Meryl jumped up and cheered right there at the Oscars…

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and then Meryl gave Patricia a You’re the Bomb Sister Salute. Jennifer Lopez cried.

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Dakota Johnson brought her mother Melanie Griffith who is the daughter of Tippi Hedren (remember Hitchcock’s The Birds ?) and wished she had left mom at home.  Oh no, they didn’t…oh yes, they did.

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Best Supporting Actress nominee Laura Dern brought her dad actor Bruce Dern who was nominated last year. They were all smiles – not a nasty word to be heard.

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Despite spectacular sets, awesome musical numbers and memorable acceptance speeches the 2015 Academy Awards Show slipped 16% in the ratings while the Grammys dropped 25.3% and the Golden Globes viewers were down 19.3% according to our anonymous sources. Never fear – the Twittersphere was trending out of sight for the live streaming of the Awards Shows and the glitter geeks were in High Heaven.

Paw Snaps and Twirls to the winners AND the losers including Slow and Pretty’s Perennial Pick Meryl Streep.  As for The Red Man, I think I’ll stick with the Divine Miss P. who won Best in Show without glitter or tweets.

Get me outta here Percy…I hear Pretty’s in the house today…I’m sure she needs my help in whatever project she’s undertaking.

 

 

EXCLUSIVE! Red Man Interviews The Divine Miss P!

Well Amigos, The Red Man once again brings you breaking news from the 139th. Westminster Kennel Club Show at Madison Square Garden in New York City. Yes, Awards Season is officially in full swing, and the WKC Best in Show for Top Dog is The Red Man’s personal favorite extravaganza.

This year’s Best in Show winner was a four-year-old beagle from British Columbia named Miss P – that’s right – a Canadian who traveled far and wide to reach the heights of glory in Dogdom. The Red Man questioned the hound about her victory.

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Red Man: Tell us, Miss P, were you nervous when the judge stared at you and your handler?

Miss P: Not at all – nerves go right out the window when the spotlight hits you in the show ring.  The judge was a kind looking old white man, and btw, he only had eyes for me.  I could tell.

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Red Man: What is your relationship with your handler, Will Alexander?

Miss P: Actually, we have a very good relationship.  I have to say food is the key to our relationship – he gives me secret treats that rock my taste buds – liver flavored.  Oh my, now I’ve said too much.  That’s supposed to be our little secret – mine and Will’s, but you are so cute Red Man, I’ll give you that exclusive!

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Red Man:Thanks for the shout out, Miss P. The crowd favorite seemed to be the Old English Sheep Dog named Swagger.  Were you afraid he’d win?

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Miss P: Honey, please.  Swagger was good, but Judge Merriam wasn’t into big dogs.  Did you see who he picked for Grand Reserve?  The terrier…duh…he liked Little.

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Red Man:  And obviously you liked the judge?

Miss P:  Well, he took his own sweet time about it, but in the end, he made the right choice – if I do say so myself.

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Red Man: What did you think when the guys brought the trophies and ribbons out?

Miss P:  I was thinking Bring It, Baby…and they did.

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Red Man: Rumor has it you tried to eat the Best in Show ribbon?

Miss P: I was so hungry I could’ve eaten the trophy – I hadn’t had a meal in forever…but I regret that little faux paw.

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Miss P: But I thought I regained my composure rather quickly.

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Red Man: Oh, I totally agree.  Your recovery was fabulous.

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Miss P: And of course Will always saves me from myself.  He scooped me up in his arms for the cameras.

Red Man: And what were you thinking at that moment, Miss P?

Miss P: I was thinking that was the first I’d heard about getting pregnant when I retired and then I was wondering what part of the  word retirement he did not understand.  Having puppies isn’t my idea of a good time.

Red Man: I hear you, Miss P.  I caught your appearance on the Today Show this morning.  How was that?

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Miss P: I liked the red carpet.  Cute idea, but frankly I was tired and not interested in an early morning appearance after the late night partying.

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Miss P:  Boring…super boring.

Red Man: Miss P, thank you so much for taking the time to visit with The Red Man.  I have just one last question: where did you get the name Miss P?

Miss P:  I have a ridiculously long formal name, but my regular name is Peyton – like Peyton Manning.  When I won a puppy show, the judge said I was the Divine Miss P.  And that’s the moniker they called me from then on.

Red Man: Well Paw Snaps and Twirls to you, Miss P – you are definitely Divine, and The Red Man will always be your number one fan.

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Get me outta here Percy, I’m writing a sympathy card to the Welsh Terrier who should have won best in the terriers but didn’t. Too bad he didn’t have Judge Merriam for his judge…

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We’re All LIT UP!

Well Amigos, time to send Paw Snaps and Twirls to the old woman Slow and Pretty tomorrow – it’s their 14th. Anniversary and Love Lights shine bright in Casa de Canterbury right next to where the Christmas tree/ Anniversary Tree/ Valentine’s Day tree once stood before Chica Amiga whisked it away to the bodega.

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Slow is such a hopeless romantic, but I’ll give her an E for Effort in the creativity class.  She brought out two of their favorite pictures plus the Valentine’s mug with the bear that Pretty gave her fourteen years ago – and lit them up like runway lights at the airport.  She says their love still shines as bright as it did in the beginning.  Whatever.

The picture on the left was taken in Cancun on February 09, 2001.  Who knows why Slow chose Cancun for their first romantic get-a-way all those years ago?  They look like kids, don’t they – Pretty was in a short hair phase evidently.

Pretty says the picture on the right was in their “prime” – The Red Man wonders what year that was, but if Pretty says it was, then it must be so.

Time has flown by this past year, so we must be having loads of fun.  Blink once and it’s standing still.  Blink twice, and it’s gone, which is where I need to be.

Get me outta here Percy.  I need to chill the champagne…viva l’amour!

 

The Last Straw

Well Amigos I hate to say it’s come to this, but the old woman Slow has totally flipped her lid this week.  The Red Man blames the Australian Open.

After Novak Djokovic beat Andy Murray in the wee hours of Sunday morning to win the men’s singles championship, Slow has been a blur of activity at Casa de Canterbury, and she is working on my last nerve.  She’s been flying around here going through files in her office, throwing papers out and muttering about needing to file her income taxes.  Honestly, I don’t know whether to bark or howl.

The last straw was today when she went out to run a few errands  (which she would have never done last week while the Australian Open was on) and while she was gone the Chica Amiga who helps us every other week at Casa de Canterbury decided unilaterally to take down the Christmas tree-turned Valentine’s Day/Anniversary tree.  You should have seen Slow’s face when she walked through the front door and stared at the open space in the living room in disbelief.  She LOVED having those red and white lights and the little valentine ornaments.  She had bought new strands of red and white LED lights and  turned them on at night for fun.  She told Pretty the lights were cheerful.

Alas, no more tree and no more fun lights.  Now what will she do for cheerful…I have no idea.

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The old woman asked Chica Amiga whatever possessed her to take down the Christmas tree-turned Valentine’s Day/Anniversary Tree without even a discussion, and CA allowed as how she couldn’t tell that the Christmas tree had turned into a different venue and thought it was WAY past time to get rid of it.  So there you have it.

You can see how The Red Man lays the blame on the Australian Open for this trouble.  If the tennis had been on TV like it has been for the last two weeks, Slow wouldn’t have run errands and she could have told Chica Amiga to keep away from the tree today.  But no, now we have a disaster on our paws.  Chica Amiga offered to bring the tree in from the bodega where she had carefully packed it away for another year, but even Slow saw the lunacy of that.  The daffy old twit is wandering around the house this afternoon looking all forlorn and bewildered and decidedly un-cheerful.

She’ll get over it, but in the meantime, get me outta here Percy – how long until the French Open???

 

 

Serena’s Arena

Well Sports Fans, Big News from Down Under today – the Australian Open finished for the women with our own American Star Serena Williams winning her nineteenth career Grand Slam tournament and taking the lead over Chris Evert and Martina Navratilova who won’t ever catch her now since they’re way too old.  Serena made some major tennis history today.

My apologies for the poor coverage from The Red Man at this year’s Australian Open which is my personal favorite Grand Slam.  The Red Man LOVES Melbourne, but my photographer, the old woman Slow, went on strike after Nadal lost in the quarterfinals so pictures have been scarce this year from the bleacher seats at Casa de Canterbury.  These represent my best efforts to make amends.

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 Maria Sharapova practiced quite a bit “be-forehand”

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All smiley-smiley before the match

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What’s at stake (plus $3.1 Million to the champion)

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How do Australians dry a court that’s been rained on?

(With ball boys and girls who did a great job)

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Serena won first set 6 to 3  – not too interesting

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Second set much closer – The Red Man was mesmerized

Thanks to Spike for vacating best bleacher seat

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Second  set went down to the wire in a tiebreak

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Did I really win??

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Serena owns Maria – 16 matches in a row

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Okay, now I’m happy  

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Martina can’t believe it’s happening – her record is gone

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Serena thanked so many people I thought it was the Golden Globes.

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Serena owns the Australian this year

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I  played my best, but she played better.  That’s tennis.

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She played her best, but I played better. That’s tennis.

And in the end, it was a super two weeks of women’s tennis so everyone was happy…except maybe…

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Tennis Ball Obsessed Chelsea who said, What’s in it for me?

The Red Man sends Paw Snaps and Twirls to Serena and Maria and the other women who have entertained us royally from the bleacher seats at Casa de Canterbury in the first Grand Slam of 2015.  Serena, you totally rock the record books!!

Get me outta here Percy, I need to reserve my seat for the Men’s Final tomorrow morning…wishing all of our Sports Fans a great weekend!

A Donut By Any Other Name…

…is still a donut, if you don’t mind, but SOMEBODY has been to Troy’s Donuts around the corner on Hwy 105 from Worsham Street in Texas and not to Krispy Kreme on the Sumter Highway up the road from Casa de Canterbury.  Aha – BUSTED, you daffy old twit.

The Red Man knows his donut holes and will not tolerate the skullduggery of the old woman Slow – who is surprisingly easy to sniff out about her AWOL trips to the ‘Hood without permission from moi.  BTW, did she arrange for a substitute editor in her absence?  I think not.  Worthless.

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No KK has the deluxe trucks that Troy’s does so that’s a Donut Destination Revelation. Ha.  Foiled again.

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Oldest Huss Brother Oscar started Troy Tradition many moons ago with the old woman Slow.

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George, the youngest Huss Brother, thinks it was a good idea.

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Middle Huss Brother Dwight agrees as long as donuts are chocolate.

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But mostly, Dwight’s happiest about the ride on a fire truck…

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…while George discovers the horn honking experience.  Never underestimate the power of the kindness of strangers.

So Pretty seems thrilled to have Slow back at Casa de Canterbury this week and doesn’t even mind her middle of the night Australian Open viewings.  That Pretty has a lot more patience with her than I do.  As for me, I consider it to be rude to make an unscheduled trip to Worsham and I will do my best to punish her. Hm.

Get me outta here Percy.  I feel the urge to pee with a purpose…

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Huss Brothers on Worsham