So, here’s my first question. Why does Rin Tin Tin III (or Trinity, as I like to call him) even want to run for the Dog House again? The old bastard has a mind like Grandmother Selma’s, and I suspect he had his last good idea ten years ago, which is seventy dog years ago. Geez. His commercials are so Yesterday. “Vote for me. I saved the lives of many Peeps by running up hills and barking a lot. I have the courage to stand up for all of you oppressed mongrels and take you to a land of Milk Bones and honey. My experience makes me the best dog for the House! My name is Rin Tin Tin III and I approve this message.” For God’s sake, no one wants Milk Bones anymore, you old worn-out German Shepherd! Just look at yourself – your coat’s lost its luster, your teeth are all snaggly and your ass drags the ground. Somebody hit the mute button!!
Which leads me to candidate number two. Now, I’m all about equal opportunity for the bitches of the world. Far be it from me to have the tiniest inkling of discrimination in the political arena, if you will. But, Lassie needs an extreme makeover and some new advisors. I mean, I’m sure she’s clever enough. But, how long can you rest on your laurels by reminding us of the countless times you saved Timmy, for God’s sake? That Timmy was such a little sap and wasn’t very bright, either. If it hadn’t been for Lassie, he wouldn’t have reached puberty. And, by the way, what did Timmy ever do for moi? That would be nothing, as far as I can tell. “I’m running for re-election to the Dog House on November 2nd. I’d very much appreciate your vote. A vote for me is a vote for real doggie values, and I won’t disappoint you. I’m honest and loyal and never desert a friend like my good friend Timmy here. Timmy is still one of my closest advisors, and he wants what’s best for all of us, too. My name is Lassie, and I approve this message.” Ugh. Drivel and nonsense. And how do you ever keep that long Collie hair so free of troublesome tangles? That ain’t right. Somebody hit the mute button!!
Well, well, well. What’s this? A name I don’t recognize and can’t pronounce? Take a look at that mug of a face, will you? The guy looks like he means businesss. Younger, too. I like that. He looks BAD on television. Now, that’s what I’m talking about. Turn up the volume! “My name is UGA, and I’m running for the Dog House on November 2nd., and I want your vote for real change. Rin Tin Tin is a political insider with ties to the Cat Mafia that has an open agenda to make your dog lives miserable. Lassie is a whore and has had more litters than she can count on her paw nails. She can’t even remember the names of the fathers and wants to squander all of your doggie treats on taking care of her puppies. It’s time to rise up and take back our Dog House! My name is UGA, and I approve this message.” Oh, yeah. UGA is my man. So what if I’m a little hazy on his platform. He can’t be any worse than Trinity or Lassie, can he? Can he? Can he? Could he? Could he? Could he? Is he? Is he? Is he?
Dammit. I’d better turn the tv off and take a nap. I think I’m depressed.