So, at last the old woman has rummaged through enough paperwork and found something worthy of preserving and keeping in a place of honor. It is the cheaply-produced keepsake certificate of My First Day at….Camp Bow Wow! In case you can’t read the fine print with or without your Peep Cheaters due to the piss- poor quality of the reproduction made and published by the Ansel Adams of cell phone photography, I’ll read it to you. “Red (that would be moi to my friends) Has successfully passed the canine camper interview at Camp Bow Wow and is welcome to attend doggy daycare and overnight camp.” The End. Finis. Big Deal. I mean, why bother? If you’re going to issue a certificate, for God’s sake, make an effort to SAY SOMETHING IMPORTANT!
Let me tell you how moi would have worded this: “Red has graduated cum laude from the University of Camp Bow Wow and has successfully passed the canine oral exams with a unanimous vote of support by all of his examining committee. His faculty advisor, Dr. Nemo, remarked that rarely had he seen a more intelligent dog with such impeccable credentials stand on four paws in front of the committee. Dr. Nemo further stated that Red would be a welcome addition to any Camp Bow Wow campus and was sure to be successful in all social situations. We, like, totally LOVE this little guy.” Now, THAT’S how you word a certificate, but, of course, no one asked my opinion so we’ll just have to keep the one that we have.
Oh, and here’s the next little bullshit piece of paperwork from that same place. Something called the “Camper’s D Tails Card.” I suppose it’s the equivalent of some kind of daily report card. And the categories are playing, eating, resting/sleeping, health alerts, and overall camp experience. Geez Louise. Give me a break. Let’s talk about some Real Categories, if you will. How about current political events to include hot topics like the size of the federal deficit in this country or the Tea Party’s efforts to strike down health care reform? Pop culture topics like Jill Clayburgh’s death or Randy Moss being traded to yet another NFL team in less than a month? What about ancient western civilization that emphasizes the evolution of the fox to the hound? No course is complete without business/finance., i.e., a brisk symposium on the $37,000 that someone paid for Bullett’s stuffed doggie figure in the Roy Rogers Museum when it was unceremoniously closed. I mean, let’s have some MEANINGFUL classes and discussions on current events here at Camp Bow Wow!
And, when it comes down to rating our overall experiences, let’s try to come up with a better rating system than check one of the following: “Happy Camper or Active Camper or Tired Camper.” How about let’s add Knock Your Socks Off With His Intelligence Camper, Smoothest Moves Camper, Dumb As Dirt With No Redeeming Features Camper, Most Handsome Stud Camper, Most Beautiful Bitch Camper, Camper Most Likely To Succeed. Serious times demand serious categories. Yessiree. We need us some categories that rock. I’m talkin’ about rocking categories. Rock around the clock categories. Rockin’ around the Christmas tree categories. Rock-a-bye birdies categories. Knute Rock-ne categories. Help! Somebody Stop Me!!! I’m in a Rock loop!!!
I’m so nervous, I’m so nervous, I’m so nervous lately. All of this digging around that Slow is doing and packing and throwing away for days is making me very nervous. And, when I get nervous, I tend to get high-strung. Sigh. Oh, well. I need a chill pill, I see.
And don’t let me forget the icing on the cake for the Camper’s D Tails Card. There’s a “Comments” section at the very end of the card. I’m afraid that I can’t PRINT what the comments were for moi on my visits to the camp. That Ollie, on the other hand, is such an old faker. Slow read the comments to Pretty AGAIN when she found his card yesterday: “Ollie is a joy to have at camp! Please bring him often.” “Ollie is so sweet & soft. I would like to take him home.” “Ollie is one of the most beautiful dogs I’ve ever seen! It was a real joy to have him at camp!” See what I mean? Whatever.
Yeah, yeah. Memories are what you make of them.