Good morning, one and all. I am on the job at the crack of dawn this morning for multiple reasons, but I will spare you the irrelevant details. Suffice it to say that The Red Man has been contacted by a damsel in distress, and I am rising early to the occasion. This message came while I slept during the night.
You may not remember me, but I met you at the vet’s office earlier today, and I wanted to thank you for giving me your card with the handsome photo. You are a stud muffin, which I knew right away when I saw you in the waiting area. I was immediately impressed with your poise and fearlessness in the face of a vet visit. I admired your peeing on the lobby plant, too. A male dog’s male dog for real. I love a macho terrier! But, enough about you, Cutie Pie. Let’s talk about me. I have this big problem, and I need your advice. Can you help me with my Peeps? They humiliate me whenever we leave our house. I know you heard them with their chorus of Sit Chrissie, Sit Chrissie, Sit. followed by Chrissie, if you don’t Sit like a good girl, I’ll have to spank your bottom, won’t I? Could you believe it? I am humiliated by them and for them, and I think they’re ruining my good health! I’ve been to the vet three times in the last month, and they embarrass me every time I have to wait in the lobby. You seemed to have your Peep under control and so very well trained. Please help me if you can – and let’s try to meet for some one-on-one therapy so I can tell you ALL of my problems. You might make me feel so much better I could sniff your you-know-what!
Stressed and Distressed,
My Dear Chrissie,
First of all, let me assure you that you have come to the right Dog for advice. Of course, I remember you from yesterday’s vet visit. Who could forget a bitch as outrageously beautiful as you? I was equally intrigued by your delicious scent and had a brief fantasy of snatching your leash from your Peeps and making a mad dash for the door to run away with you forever!! Remember you? I’ll never be able to FORGET you, you silly bitch! Let’s meet for sex, shall we?
More importantly, I felt your pain with your Peeps and can tell you exactly what to do. You have to let them know who calls the shots or they will continue to muddle along out of control. Here’s my advice. Sit. You heard me. Sit. Then, Stay. That’s right. Stay, Baby Cakes. Sit and Stay. That’s all you have to do. They’re so simple-minded they’ll think if you just Sit and Stay, they will be the world’s BEST DOG OWNERS because they have an OBEDIENT dog. And you don’t ever have to worry that they’ll ask you to do anything truly difficult like add, subtract, multiply or divide. Nope. Quantum physics? Not likely. Recite poetry from memory? Not a chance. So, Sit when you’re out in public places like the vet’s office, and they’ll be so ecstatic they’ll probably shower you with treats when you get home! I promise you it works! Keep me posted, you hot mama, you!
The Red Man
P.S. My visit to the vet uncovered a condition that I hesitate to mention but will reveal my diagnosis in the hope that it will encourage others to be careful. I have hookworms. Evidently, it is quite common in Texas and easily treatable with medications. Slow started the pills yesterday, and I am confident we will be successful in killing the little buggers.