Hey, listen up out there in Romance Ville!    The Red Man is dishing out some much-needed Valentine’s Day Pearls of Wisdom, if you will.   Yessiree, yessiree, yessiree.   Who do you call when you need that Extra Special Touch for Just the Right Moment??   Moi, of course!   You’re looking for Reliability in the Love Department – none of this iffiness and hem-hawing around.   Straight to the Heart of the Love Machine!!   Take no Prisoners de Amor!!

Rule Numero Uno – Try to be Cute.   For some of us, that may take a little more effort than for others.   Take Mr. Smokey Lonesome Ollie, for instance.   He doesn’t really have Cute working for him like I do – particularly with those you-know-they-ain’t-right eyes.   So, he has to accentuate the positives and gloss over the negatives.   Hmmm…positives…let me think.   Paw Snaps!   The Big Guy needs to focus on his Sad Sack Expression.   Try to hone in  his Pitiful Look so that the eyes work For him and not Against him.   Not a bitch in this world can resist Pathetic and Forlorn.   Some chicks are just born Rescuers!!   And we are all the better for it.

Rule Numero Dos – Get out of your Rut!   Can anyone spell Annie, the Old One Who Licks Her Paw??   She keeps doing the same thing over and over and over again.   And then over again some more.   Are you kidding me??   She’s done it so long she can’t even remember why she started doing it in the first place!   And it’s not like it’s been good for her, for God’s sake.   Do something Different and Daring and Dramatic, for once!   Even if it’s wrong – it can’t be as bad as the Rut Merry-Go-Round!   Snap out of it!!

Rule Numero Tres – Pick the right Obsession.   Which brings us to Chelsea, the Black Lab with the yellow tennis ball obsession.   Seriously, girl.   If you’ve seen one tennis ball, you’ve seen them all.   Can’t you get a boyfriend?   Or a girlfriend?   I really don’t care which.   Think outside the box for once.   Or the ball.  Heh, heh.   My little Valentine’s Day joke.

Rule Numero Finito:   If all else fails, Beg.   That’s right.   If the situation gets out of hand, i.e., DESPERATE,  sit down and throw back your head and howl at the moon.   Because that’s what dogs do, and it works like a charm for us.   Maximizing the moment.   Irresistible.   I guarantee it.

The Red Man is full of gratitude for all of his Fans and wishes them a Fabulous Day of Love on the 14th.  Just because Valentine was a Saint doesn’t mean YOU have to be.  Take a walk on the Wild Side!

Will you be my Valentine?

Please.