Okay, who’s in charge of these Peep Polls and Peep Picks with their Favorite This and Best Ever That and Top 100 Whatevers??? I’m throwing the Bullshit Flag on the latest one I happened to overhear the old woman Slow talking about today. Yessiree, yessiree, yessiree. The Bullshit Flag has been tossed tonight with a growl and snarl and mucho inojado, which is a Spanish term for extremely pissed off!! Enough is enough, I say. The Red Man is on a major rampage and will take no prisoners!
Naturally, I’m all for celebrating female Peeps and bitches and giving them a whole month of their very own to whoop it up and catch a few shout-outs and so on and March seems like as good a month as any to give them to remember their past and ponder their future and I’m a progressive kind of stud with lots of tolerance and understanding, but now it’s gotten out of hand. In honor of Women’s History Month, a Top 100 female characters of all time on prime-time tv was released by somebody, and I can tell you I knew it was suspicious when Sue Sylvester from Glee was number 100 on the list. Number 100 out of 100. That’s what I call bringin’ up the rear, if you catch my drift. And you want to “hazard” a guess who beat her out at spot # 99? Daisy Duke from the Dukes of Hazzard, that’s who. Right there I should have quit and gone about my business and never have given it another thought. But, no. Moi couldn’t quit there.
And lo and behold, the travesty of all travesties smacked me right upside the head. I couldn’t believe it. Could NOT believe it. Could not BELIEVE it. Brenda Leigh Johnson, or as I like to spell it in remembrance of Sweet Nothins Brenda Lee Johnson, was number 77 on the list. Number 7-7. Seventy-seven out of one hundred. Inconceivable. Unthinkable. Brains, charisma, passion, leadership – we’re talking the whole enchildada here. I’m talkin’ bout Role Model Material for little girl Peeps. Who could possibly be higher on the list?
Thank you for asking. You might be surprised to know that # 75 was Edna Garrett from The Facts of Life. Remember her? The bumbling old woman who was continually duped by the puberty escapades of teenage girls in those ridiculous school uniforms? Geez Louise. Warm and fuzzy for sure. A little TOO fuzzy, if you will. But, let’s move on up the list to spot # 53 and who do we have there? Gidget. That’s right. Gidget, as in the show of the same name. Need I say more? I thought not. A truly forgettable character with the charisma of a sea turtle.
And while we’re at it, let’s keep going to spots # 26 and #24 where we’ll find Miss Piggy and Marge Simpson, for God’s sake. Hello out there, O Maker of this list!! These aren’t even REAL female Peeps – these are, like, cartoon characters and you have put them ahead of Brenda Lee Johnson and Sue Sylvester! What are you thinking? I am horrified. I refuse to be consoled.
The final straw was the placement of Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica in the # 2 spot ahead of Lucy Ricardo in I Love Lucy. Excuse me, List Maker, are you in an altered state? Deliver me from a world gone mad. I struggled with your choice of Mary Tyler Moore as Numero Uno, but I sorta kinda understood your explanation and thinking on that one. Overall, though, I’m afraid I have to rate you # 1 on my list of Worst List Makers of All Time. Step away from your word machine, and God help you if Brenda Leigh or Sue ever meets you in a dark alley.
Whew, nothing like getting a load off your chest. I feel better already. I may even send a few pee-mails before I call it a night.
As Brenda Leigh Johnson herself would say, “Thank you SO much.”