Geez Louise. Just when I thought I was finally going to have a little fun this weekend, the old woman Slow teases me with a truck ride that ends up in one of her favorite destinations: a Cemetery. That’s right, Sports Fans, if you were looking for Yours Truly this afternoon, I wasn’t on Worsham Street. Check it out.
Hey, and it’s not like this was right around the corner, either, okay? I mean, we drove MILES to get to this choice Happening Place. We went down a road that isn’t even a ROAD, if you catch my drift. It’s more like a dirt trail out in the middle of NOWHERE. Trust The Red Man on this one. I’m talkin’ NOWHERE. I knew I was in trouble when we turned off a two-lane paved road with lines down the middle to a considerably smaller two-lane paved road with no lines anywhere but I didn’t know how bad it could get until we turned onto the Pretend Dirt Road in the piney woods. Shit house mouse. Were we lost?
I swear I was getting nauseous from bumping along in the Dodge Dakota on that God-forsaken excuse for a road and was thinking about throwing up when lo and behold, we arrived at the daffy old twit’s destination. Yippee! Hooray! We party!
Deliver me from tombstones, will you? And these weren’t even your Quality Tombstones like we usually see on these little adventures. Nosirree, nosirree, nosirree. These tombstones sucked. They were broken and cracked and the names and dates were worn off and all yucky looking but that didn’t keep Slow from taking pictures of them. Oh, no. She acted like she’d found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Honestly, I was humiliated for her. She got so excited I thought the Pathetic Peep was going to burst into tears. Sigh.
The one redeeming feature for the afternoon was that the cemetery was fenced and Slow released me on my own recognizance while she wandered around and took pictures and oohed and aahed over her ancient relatives. Free at last, free at last – thank God Almighty I was free at last!! I made the most of it, too! I ran and ran and pissed and pooped on a number of graves with reckless abandon…forgive moi, O Those Who Rest In Peace, but I’d had a rough day. Nothing personal. My bad.
Imagine my surprise to see a blue pickup truck pull up beside ours and three other Peeps arrive for a visit to the tombstones. Dear God, are people in Texas this BORED?? But, they turned out to be very nice and made the appropriate remarks on The Red Man’s good looks and excellent behavior. Peeps with taste for sure.
I’d like for this story to have a happy ending, but it doesn’t. Unfortunately, Slow discovered a tick on her shirt as we were leaving this afternoon and evidently had visions of ticks being all over us because we lit out of there and sped home to Worsham Street without passing Go or collecting $200. The next thing I knew I was plopped in a tub and scrubbed with flea and tick shampoo and rinsed with this hard mineral water for a long time until Slow got all the soap off me and then she dried me with one of the good towels. My nerves are shot.
Where is Pretty when I need her?