So everybody needs a Hero, right? and The Red Man is no exception to that rule. It may surprise you to know my hero is Ice T, the pony-tailed macho cop on what else? Law and Order – Special Victims Unit! I do love Brenda Lee Johnson on The Closer and am trying to fight my way out of the depression with its roots in her departure from TNT Monday night dramas, but I have consoled myself with Alicia Florrick on The Good Wife on, ahem, supposedly Tuesday nights and of course, a nice dosage of Lexapro. However, I am totally pissed off with the little vacation she’s taken for two weeks and have had to go back to my standard Old Reliable Good Peep/Bad Peep TV show, the Law and Order SVU re-runs. Don’t get me wrong – I can watch Olivia Benson with the best of them, but, my dear, she is yesterday’s headlines and Elliot creeps me out a little with his arms like The Incredible Hulk’s and disposition to match. The man brings me down. I like Munch and the Captain, but Munch reminds me too much of Mr. Spock on Star Trek if Mr. Spock had worn those nerdy spectacles and the Captain goes way overboard with authority, and The Red Man has Authority Issues, if you will.
But Finn is a Male Peep’s Peep, a Man’s Man with the Meanest Look on TV, in my opinion. The guy is the BADDEST of the BAD! Seriously, when he stares with those ICY EYES at the evil perps, they better pray they’re telling the truth in the interrogation room because otherwise, you just KNOW he can turn them into chopped liver. Yessiree, yessiree, yessiree. Ice T is the poor man’s Superman. If Ice T had been a comic strip hero, he would have been called Bad Ass Prince Valiant or Finn the Menace. If he’d been a skater his show would be called Nightmare on Ice T. Heh, heh. My little joke for the evening. Anyway, you catch my drift. The man is The Red Man’s vision of himself. When I think of Heroes, I don’t go for wimpy Lassie who only had to save that one boy Timmy all the time or even Rin Tin Tin with his skulking around German Shepherd self. Not even for a second would I vote for them. The Red Man has Ice T attitude and Ice T steely stares.
So, here’s the problemo with Heroes. They can let you down in a heartbeat. Remember Bill Clinton and you-know-who and you-know-what? Tiger Woods and the automobile windshield crack heard round the world? Brett Favre and texting? Motown record scandals? Need I say more? Which brings me to my Main Man Hero, Ice T. The old woman Slow told Pretty today that he has signed on for a reality TV show called Ice Loves Coco…ARE YOU FRIGGING KIDDING ME???? ICE LOVES COCO IS HOW YOU GO SOLO!!! Have you lost your ever-loving mind???
Step away from the reality TV thing, Mister!! The Red Man and Ice T don’t discuss our vivo de amor, which is Spanish for our love life, in front of millions of people who tune in to watch other people’s reality. Do we??? Absolutely not. So where have you gone wrong, O King of the Bad Asses? I fear we must look to the Scriptures for our answer tonight because I have pinpointed the problem and it’s not like you’re the only Bad Ass who succumbed to the bamboozlements of a mate.
I give you the Biblical character Samson who, to refresh your memory, lost his mighty macho because the love of his life Delilah cut his hair and Bam! no more power!! I saw your picture today and what did I notice first? No more ponytail, no more ponytail, NO MORE PONYTAIL!! Did Coco encourage you to snip it off by chance? (I mean the ponytail, of course.) Nothing good comes from losing your signature look, Ice T rapper-man-turned-actor-man, and I have to say I think you’re making a big mistake. Huge mistake for your mystique. I don’t want to KNOW what you do every day at your house. I want to think of you chasing Bad Guys and slapping them around and bringing Law and Order to a world gone mad with injustice and crime!
Sigh. I’m sure my rants and raves won’t make a tinker’s damn of difference and that Ice Loves Coco episodes will live on ad infinitum in re-runs after its first successful initial run whenever, but The Red Man is looking for a new Hero. Dear God, where have all the Real Men gone? Gone to reality TV shows evidently.
Adios, Sports Fans, I’ll catch up with you later when I’m in a better place…if you have any Hero recommendations, let me know, ok?