Well, Amigos, today is Breaking News Day and Yours Truly has scooped all the major reliable networks with this Super Scoop of 2011 – maybe even Super Scoop of All Time!! Eat your heart out, Wolf Blitzer with your Number One News Team, Rachel Maddow with your good-looking lesbian short hair and highly-educated brilliant self, Jon Stewart and the Daily Show with your penis news wheel of fortune, and all of you Fox newspeople who like to repeat the same words back to each other all day long with varying levels of volume and intensity. The Red Man has some News for You All!!
As usual, you have your Good News and your Bad News. The Good News is that The Rapture has occurred!! You remember the End of Time Event that was scheduled to occur May 21st., don’t you?? You know, the one predicted by the Peep Prophets? Revelation, Revelation, Revelation – news flash, news flash, news flash…Good Peeps go off in the sunset with Morgan Freeman or George Burns or John Travolta or Whoopi Goldberg or Somebody Important and Bad Peeps hang around the regular earth per usual. They just keep on truckin’ with their Bad Selves, if you catch my drift.
Heads up to all of you so-called Real News Peeps – you didn’t do your due diligence follow-up. Missed it, missed it, missed it. Once May 21st was past, you stopped with all the Rapture Talk. You quit TOO SOON, you know-it-all-newsies!! And now, look what’s happened. A Pup has upstaged you royally. That would be moi , the Clark Kent of Cub and Pup Reporters. FYI, The Rapture occurred on June 3rd, a mere 13 days later than scheduled. Hey, cut these guys some slack on the date mysteries – when you’ve been talkin’ about something This Big for over 2,000 years, what’s less than two weeks among friends?
So, The Good News is that we know it occurred because Smiley Boy was taken! That’s right, Smiley Boy (see November, 2010 posts for SB refresher course) was taken from his home in the middle of the night on June 3rd and hasn’t been seen or heard from since! That’s the Bad News. He was the only one good enough to go off into the sunset but my anonymous sources confirm nobody famous picked him up so The Rapture may not be all it’s cracked up to be. As a matter of fact, Amiga Driver is one of my anonymous sources who was there since Smiley Boy is her brother, and she vows the Rapture Recruiters were unidentified except for their shiny badges. So, SB is gone. My rescuer from The Bull in the pasture next to Fair View cemetery in Grimes County, my rescuer from the straight couple in the parking lot of Jim’s Hardware in Montgomery, my leader on adventuresome walks, my friend – the only one good enough to be taken.
Let this be a lesson to all of you news junkies out there in cyberspace. When you need the Real Breaking News, stay tuned to The Red Man – just the facts, ma’am – and plenty of ’em. The Red Man’s Reality Show.
P.S. We’ve had a tip that you really don’t ride off into the sunset, either. You go to Georgia first.