So, Pretty gave the old woman Slow a surprise gift this week to cheer her up and hopefully provide in-house entertainment to supplement her current addiction to The Waltons and Little House on the Prairie re-runs which have taken the place of Law and Order, Bones and NCIS thrillers every afternoon. Yes, we are reduced to the shenanigans of John Boy and Jim Bob and the rest of the Walton family clan on that mythical mountain before we are visually swept to the prairies of Sleepy Eye, Minnesota and the misfortunes of the Ingalls as Charles mysteriously provides food, clothing and a poor excuse for shelter on a prairie where nothing grows. Seriously, what was Charles selling on all those trips away from Caroline and the children?? As you can see, Yours Truly has watched too many shows on the Hallmark Channel since Slow has been under the weather.
As usual, Pretty to the Rescue! Off they go to one of their favorite electronic stores, the Best Buy, and they return with a tiny computer called an Eye Pad. Hooray for the Best Buy and their no- interest- for- 18 months plans! Pretty LOVES a no-interest plan and she knew that the daffy old twit was even daffier lately since she’s been under house arrest and threatened with having her keys taken away from her if she violates her parole restrictions and drives the Dodge Dakota. So Pretty comes up with this great idea of a new-age high-tech 21st century electronic playthingie – and I thought it might have something to do with Slow’s New Eye problems since it was an Eye Pad, but I was mistaken. Regardless, what could possibly go wrong with this special gift from Pretty??
Uh, let me give my Amigos out there a little background info on my lesbians. They are, unfortunately, not your stereotypical capable dykes who can do anything with tools, paint brushes, electronics or yard equipment. Nope. These two aren’t good cooks, either. Don’t come around this house looking for down-home cookin’. As a matter of fact, my house is better known for its storytellers than it is for its domestic accomplishments. Yep. If you’re interested in lively dialogues with plenty of laughs, we’ve got you covered at Casa de Canterbury. Ahem. But, electronic Eye Pads? Well, I smelled trouble.
On Day One Pretty had to go to work at the General Store and left Slow alone with her new device. Slow was distressed to discover the Eye Pad had no instructions booklet. She muttered under her breath about why a company as successful as Apple wouldn’t include an instructions booklet with their products and everybody knew you should have an instructions booklet, blah, blah, blah. This whining went on for a LONG time and then I heard her call the Best Buy and ask for something called a Geek Squad. She talked to a Geek for a few minutes and then hung up. After spending another fruitless hour on the computer, she put it away and we returned to Walton Mountain that afternoon. I felt like I needed a swig of The Recipe that the Baldwin Sisters had made for Grandpa Walton and the Baptist minister!
Day Two brought Hope for Help in the form of a proper lesbian who understood electronics and the magical world of the Eye Pad. Salvation came in the person of Peep Graphic Designer Kati who, with two shakes of a lamb’s tail and a bottle of beer, was able to bring the Eye Pad to life. Pretty and Slow rejoiced and gave a warm hug of appreciation to PGDK for her creative genius and patience with the technologically challenged. All was well. The old woman Slow began to create Word Games with other Peeps who were willing to play with her and even figured out a way to play Scrabble with herself and was endlessly entertained. Pretty was happy and Slow was, too.
Last night on the eve of Day Four of the Eye Pad, though, I saw something I shouldn’t have. Really. Shouldn’t have seen it. But did. Pretty and Slow took the Eye Pad to our king-sized bed and Slow told Pretty she wanted the EP to play music because she had seen on the computer somewhere that it could play tunes and why shouldn’t they be able to have music on theirs? So Slow gives the EP to Pretty who begins a search for music. What tunes do you want to hear? Pretty asked Slow and of course the old woman replied Abba since Abba is the most recent musical group she can remember the name of and she didn’t want to embarrass herself by saying something like The Righteous or Everly Brothers so Pretty looked and looked and finally found Abba but you had to pay $12.99 for Abba and there was much discussion about whether Abba was worth $12.99 or whether they should get something cheaper. At long last, Abba won out and was downloaded from cyberspace to our Eye Pad. So far, so good.
But, then, I witnessed what no one should see: Pretty and Slow sang along with Abba. They warmed up fairly quietly with Chiquitita and The Name of the Game and Super Trouper but they gradually increased their volume and dance movements from the waist up with Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia and by the time they got to Gimme! Gimme! Gimme A Man After Midnight well, sisters and brothers, that bed was rockin’ and the rafters of our house were rollin’ with those women singing at the top of their lungs and all of us Pups ran for cover!! Whew – and the truly sad part of all this is they don’t ever know the WORDS to any of these songs. No kidding. They make these loud garbled noises that are fairly in tune and shake their heads at each other and wave their hands around in the air but neither one of them gets past the first line of a song with the proper words. You’d think that ONE of them would bother to learn the words to at least ONE Abba song, but no. Lots of noise – no words.
Well, I see I’ve gotten wound up because my nerves are shattered with Abba music day and night now. Nothing against Abba, mind you. Thank You for the Music, Abba, but forgive moi if I don’t make a fool of myself by singing along without the words. And hey, has it occurred to any of my Sports Fans out there that there’s something a little strange when two lesbians are in a king-sized bed singing Gimme! Gimme! Gimme a Man After Midnight?
I rest my case.