I wonder what the old woman Slow spends on gasoline while she’s running all over the country like a chicken with her head cut off…must be a fortune.   She’s kept the Texas roads hot this week for sure.   Went to a Christmas lunch up at Lake Conroe Sunday with a group of cousins she barely knows and then came flying in here for five minutes so she could grab her pills for the night and head down to Rosenberg to see some cousins who didn’t come to the Lake Conroe whingding and then she came home Monday just in time to go see Granny Selma on Tuesday over in Willis and Aunt Nicey-Nice in Beaumont yesterday for the day.   Shit house mouse.   That old woman doesn’t have any business making those trips without The Red Man and Paw Licker Annie.   For one thing, she can’t see and for another thing I am feeling neglected.   That’s right.     N-E-G-L-E-C-T-E-D.

Dear Pretty,

Please come down here to see us soon.   Paw Licker Annie has licked her paw so much I think she must be onto something so I’ve started licking my paw, too.   Oh, Pretty, I can’t seem to stop and Slow has bought a Comfy Cone for me to wear like Annie and I hate it and I know you wouldn’t let her EVER put a Comfy Cone on my head so I need you to do one of those Intervention Thingies where you MAKE her stop with the Comfy Cone bullshit.   When can you come, Pretty?   We are desperate.   You must rescue us.

Your Favorite Loves You Most With Undying Loyalty,

The Red Man

P.S. BTW, we don’t have a Christmas tree down here this year again and I know you wouldn’t be happy with that.   Even Aunt Nicey-Nice has a tree.