Well, Amigos, The Red Man is horrified to hear that the Top Dog Bo who lives in a Big ol’ White House somewhere with the Peep in Chief is on a diet. Yep, yep, yep. Verified and bona fide D-I-E-T. Dude, the Pack at Casa de Canterbury hates it for you.
Bo doesn’t look too chunky to us
Yeah, we got a lot of experience up in here about diets with the old woman Slow. Let’s see now…oh I remember… she started with Weight Watchers many moons ago. Ding ding ding…Failed. Jennifer Hudson she is not. Love ya Jennifer but not too many Peeps will look as good as you do whether you are thin or fat. Then there was the Slimfast diet with all those nasty cans of chocolate milk. Ding ding ding…Failed. Some woman named Jenny Craig had a diet too and she signed up for that one because she saw Debbie Reynolds’s daughter Carrie Fisher on television advertising it. Ding ding ding…Failed. HELLO has anybody seen Carrie Fisher lately? I’m just sayin’. Low carb, no carb. All protein, no protein. I’ve seen them all and put up with a lot of bullshit during each one.
But my all time Biggest Laughable Loser Diet was when she went to the hypnotist. You heard me correctly. Slow paid some Hypno Peep mucho dinero which is Spanish for you wouldn’t believe how much money she paid this guy to have her come by his office twice a week to sit in a comfy chair and put on head phones to listen to little sayings. Can you frigging believe it? All that money and the best she could do was memorize a few mottos. Geez Louise. What a chunky chump. My favorite one she told Pretty about one night after a session was Nothing tastes Better than Thin feels which clearly isn’t true because to this day the old woman can’t resist Shipley’s Donuts or Uncle Fred’s pound cake or Uncle Dick’s coconut pie or Uncle Jim’s osgood pies that make thin seem like a distant dream for her.
New Year’s Resolution for Slow in 1970s: Lose ten pounds. 1980s: Lose twenty pounds. 1990s: Lose thirty pounds. 2000s: who’s counting? You get the picture and it’s a pathetic one.
This week Pretty decided everybody at the Casa needs to go on a diet again except Smokey Lonesome Ollie and Paw Licker Annie who Pretty thinks are the right size. Tennis Ball Obsessed Chelsea hasn’t been too happy with her reduced food portions evidently. Night before last she spied a new loaf of bread on the kitchen counter and helped herself to it. Every slice gone. I can’t believe she ate the whole thing. Heh, heh. Actually, I can believe it. Pretty was not happy with Chelsea and told Slow not to feed her at all that day but of course she did because she understood the bread thing.
Well, we always like to end on a positive note so the Good News is we have a bunch of empty Potato Chip bags to lick and we try to take turns. Tonight The Spikester Man was first in line.
Bet you can’t eat just one
Finally Sports Fans all of us at Casa de Canterbury wish Top Dog Bo the best of luck on the Obama Care Diet Plan but we aren’t convinced it will be totally successful. Table scraps Rock!
Get me outta here Percy…all this talk about food makes me want to go check out my own bowl…adios.