Well Amigos, I have to say nothing entertains moi more than escaping the clutches of the old woman Slow and making a mad dash for freedom – which isn’t free as everyone knows. But does everyone also know how much fun it is to make a run for it when you’re being chased, and I use that term loosely, by a slow-as-molasses-in-the-winter-time old overweight lesbian who might move a little faster if she wasn’t using up so much of her air by hollering at the top of her lungs: Red, Red…come here, Red…Red, RED!!! Come here, you little bastard…
And see, this is how God punishes her when she starts calling me names. I was almost ready to turn around because my paws were killing me while I was running lickety-split across the concrete parking lot away from Slow and Tennis Ball Obsessed Chelsea and Squirrel Chaser Spike, but no turning around when the name-calling started.
It all happened, like, in an instant – as all great escapes surely do. A moment of opportunity appeared and The Red Man seized it. Slow parked the Dodge Dakota in our regular spot next to the field and woods where we walk. TBO Chelsea and SqC Spike are allowed to run free whenever we go there, but since I have a reputation as an escape artist, I am always on a leash. The old girl opened her front door but took a little too much time fumbling around for my leash in the floorboard of the front passenger seat and whoosh! Squirrel Chaser Spike leaped from the back seat across Slow’s body and then hightailed it out the open door.
Wham, bam, thank you ma’am and in the confusion that followed The Red Man bolted over Slow and out the door behind Spike. She hadn’t even turned off the engine so she was trying to pick up the leash and make sure her cell phone was in her jeans pocket and raise the windows and turn off the engine and by the time she collected herself and got out of the truck, there went TBO Chelsea.
Perfect. I couldn’t have had more fun if I’d planned it.
TBO Chelsea and SqC Spike took off for the field like they were supposed to, and I took off in the opposite direction toward the high school football stadium parking lot and the main road where all the action was. That totally freaked her out, and here she came after me. And then the Big Dogs aren’t the brightest bulbs in the light fixtures so the next thing I knew they were both running with Slow toward me and the street.
Hilarious…they looked like the Three Stooges and I was having a high time but I thought I better reverse my course because while The Red Man can get away with squealing tires and honking horns and never takes a hit, I didn’t want to be responsible for my pursuers. I didn’t want it on my conscience if something happened to them.
But you know sometimes you just can’t help yourself. This was one of those times…I swear the Devil made me do it. When I turned around, I ran so fast that I blew past The Three Stooges like they weren’t there. Slow lunged to grab me but she looked like the Gamecock defense this year and tried to arm tackle moi – didn’t even come close.
I can’t even repeat the words she was saying by then.
Well Sports Fans, I decided to slow down since I was running in the direction I should have been running in the first place – what’s the point of racing toward what you ought to be doing after all – and my posse caught up with me and I can’t say I minded the leash. The great escapes are still fun, but frankly they wear me out so I was ready to be caught.
So what’s the moral of our story today? You’re never too old to make an escape from anything, but if you want to be caught, don’t run too far.
Get me out of here Percy…it’s the weekend and The Red Man hopes all of his cyberspace Amigos and Sports Fans enjoy it! Later, gators…