Oh, for the love of Sweet Lady Gaga and Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Amigos, you will never in your wildest dreams guess what happened in The Middle today…not in your wildest dreams.
There has been a Proclamation from On High – a decree of some sort – a very big To-Do, if you catch my drift. Bugles blowing, trumpets sounding; red, white and blue balloons of all sizes dropping around us like, well, like we were having a political convention and it was the final night. And barking the likes of which you’ve never heard except maybe during 4th. of July fireworks. In general, excitement and chaos reigned.
When all of a sudden in a blinding flash of white light, a musical band called Angel Dogs swooped down from the Most High and Mighty and played The Eye of the Tiger so loud that our barks were drowned out and we shut up.
Yep, shut us right up. And then when the band quit playing, a Big Saint Bernard appeared out of nowhere carrying a gold tablet about the size of an old iPad. He said in his most authoritative voice that he had good news and bad news. The good news: it was Moving On Up Day for The Middle – graduation to the next level. The bad news was that not everyone was being promoted. Promoted? Nobody had said anything about a promotion coming up anytime soon. This was right out of the blue. Heh, heh. My little flash of Heaven Humor.
He then proceeded to call the name of each dog that was moving on up. In alphabetical order no less. Abby, Alfie, Bella, Betsy, Bitsy, Candy, Carmelita, Chelsea…
Chelsea? Was that my Chelsea by any chance they were talking about…well, good for her…who wouldn’t move her up anyway…she was okay as black labs go but certainly never going to win the IQ tests…so glad she made it…she’ll have a reunion with Ollie and Annie for sure…bodes well for moi…she came after me by three weeks so looks like I’ll be golden. More Heaven Humor.
…Randy, Rebel, Rico, Salsa, Sheva…all the way through Zeus.
Hey, hold on there Big Dog Bernard, you skipped over Red – as in The Red Man. Are you crazy or something? If any dog deserves to reach the Tip Top, it’s The Red Man. Eye hath not seen; ear hath not heard the wondrous acts of kindness with deep humility by The Red Man that made the pack at Casa de Canterbury rely on him for good humor and good works. Seriously. Chelsea? and not Red?
Following the roll call Big Dog Bernard turned around and with a cheerful Better luck next time, was gone. That was it. Gone, gone, gone. The Angel Dog band played Auld Lang Syne as he exited, and that put a real damper on the mood.
So Sports Fans, now here I am by myself except for the motley pack of pups who also didn’t pass muster. Shit house mouse. What a disappointment.
Oh well, dogs of good will always succeed in the end – even when they’re in The Middle. I need to find someone with the commandments for Moving On Up. Clearly, I need prep.
Never fear…The Red Man will be ready when the next roll is called up yonder. He’ll be there.