OMG, I overheard Slow tell Pretty today that Kyra Sedgwick is not going to be Brenda Lee Johnson on The Closer any more! What’s that you say?? What’s that you say?? Quick, open a window – I can’t breathe! I LIVE for Brenda Lee and her browbeating confessions from miserable murderers who dare to sit in interrogation rooms with her!! I see my life passing before moi, and if it doesn’t include Brenda Lee, I fear for its happiness…woe is me…I am undone! I’ll try to write her a fan letter to convince her that this is a huge mistake.
Dear Brenda Lee Johnson a/k/a Kyra Sedgwick,
I was devastated today to hear the repugnant rumor that you are hanging up your handcuffs after the next season of The Closer. My dear, I beg you to reconsider the repercussions for your loyal fans, of whom I count myself one of legions. Legions, I say, legions. We will march in the streets if necessary to capture your attention. We will send hundreds of Kit Kats to you as tokens of our ongoing affection and in appreciation of your support of chocolate bars and candy consumption. We are lost without you on Monday nights. We are like ships that have lost their anchors in the storms of crime and chaos. What, oh what, can The Red Man say that will bring you to your senses and avert this crisis? I am a mere Pup who is dependent on the kindness of his Peeps for entertainment, and Sister, I can tell you you’re the best of the best for my money. I realize you are not personally to blame for the Australian Open, Family Circle Cup, The Masters, Wimbledon, U.S. Opens (both tennis and golf, thank you very much) and Monday Night Football. However, I think a clever detective such as yourself will see the problem I have. Without you, I am doomed to endless Monday evenings of round balls – large and small – and oblong balls pursued by thugs who are apparently interested in their own versions of killing each other but are rarely arrested…and never convicted. I am pawing you and pawing you to let you know I will refuse to watch television on Monday nights if you leave the lineup. I hereby declare today is Kyra Sedwick Day and she is forbidden to say farewell to Brenda Lee. It is so ordered by The Red Man, her Biggest Pup Fan!
So, what do you think? Strong enough? Too strong. Soft enough? Too soft. Does anyone have a better idea? If so, let me know. I’m desperate.
Otherwise, it’s back to the Quarterfinals of the Australian Open for me.
Good night, sports fans. Sleep tight.