Many of The Red Man’s followers will remember my desperate plea several months ago to Kyra Sedgwick a/k/a Brenda Leigh Johnson on The Closer. I begged her to reconsider closing down The Closer after the upcoming season this summer. I begged and begged and pawed and pawed and barked and barked and threatened to boycott Monday night tv forever if she didn’t continue her fight against crime with her convincing confessions convicting criminals of murder in the second degree.
Oops. My bad. Murder in the second degree is on Law and Order. Have you ever noticed murder in the second degree is the only charge the prosecution brings on that show? Bail? We ask for remand, Your Honor. Remand? Hah – no way. Bail is set at $500,000, and not a cent less. Now, whack!! my gavel and go to commercial. Seriously, the old woman Slow should be able to write this stuff and we could be on easy street by now. And she calls herself a writer. Geez Louise. How hard would it be? But, I digress.
So, unfortunately for yours truly, Kyra Sedgwick hasn’t responded to my letter and Pretty told Slow that Brenda Leigh won’t be back in action until July 11th. And, alas, this will be her Final Season. I am reminded of a song. If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with. With that being said, I write again to Brenda Leigh.
Dear Brenda Leigh Johnson a/k/a Kyra Sedgwick,
I’m sure you don’t remember me because you have thousands of fans who worship you from afar and send you tons of adoring fan letters. I wrote you earlier this year and beseeched you to maintain your primetime presence as the Queen of Mystery and Deputy Chief of Confessions because you were the brightest star in my television universe. I lived for Monday nights and your radiance set the tone for my week. My Peeps informed me recently your decision to retire is definite and I have been plunged into a place of deep despair and darkest gloom.
Until Pretty rescued me as she always does.
My Dearest Brenda Leigh, I regret to tell you The Red Man has found a new love. Forgive me, O Gorgeous Chief Johnson, but I am an Alpha Male Dog and my special Peep, Pretty, found us a Tuesday night show that has captured my fickle heart. The moving finger writes, and having writ – moves on, as the poet Kahlil Gibran once said. (See what you’ve lost? A Dog Fan who quotes tired poets?) Yessiree, Pretty found The Good Wife, and I have switched to another channel and a different favorite tv night. I feel so guilty that I had to write you and make this one last confession. Can you ever forgive me?
I tried to wait until July for you to come back, but then I kept telling myself I was only prolonging the inevitable agony of your departure and then I went and found me Julianna Margulies. While no one will ever replace you as the Mistress of Monday Nights, I have found consolation on Tuesdays and have had to move on. Try not to hold this against me. I am, after all, a Dog on the Edge.
I will always love you, Brenda Leigh – you were my first,
The Red Man
Well, I guess that’s it for now. So, set ’em up, Joe. Make it one for my baby and one more for the road. Oh, yeah – and let’s hear it for Alicia Florrick a/k/a Julianna Margulies a/k/a The Good Wife.
I think I’m feeling better. Tuesday is day after tomorrow.