So, Paw Licker Annie and Yours Truly were out in the Dodge Dakota late one afternoon last week with the old woman Slow who apparently had no idea where we were going because we drove and drove on a gravel road through some dark piney woods and came out at the same place on Hwy 149 we had started from. Sweet Jesus. Hey, old woman, ever heard of using a MAP or that GPS thingie you refuse to plug in because you KNOW where we are. Right. Yes, yes, I’ve heard that same bullshit about how well you can navigate these country roads because these are your old stomping grounds, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, well guess what? Things have CHANGED in the past fifty years so maybe you might want to re-think your know-it-all position. I’m just sayin’. They have NEW roads and I get very nervous when we drive in circles. It wigs me out and I feel compelled to bark incessantly with my most piercing bark and fling myself from the back seat to the front seat to the back seat again over and over while I’m barking. I’m talkin’ very nervous. Shit house mouse.
We finally ended up in Navasota which is not what I’d call a Booming Metropolis or anything even close to it and we stopped at the antique store with the Homemade Fudge sign out front. Slow loves the fudge there – surprise surprise – and we got to the store just as they were getting ready to close for the day. They roll up the sidewalks E-A-R-L-Y in Navasota. Of course, Paw Licker Annie and I were left in the pickup while Slow made a mad dash for her candy.
We waited and waited and waited and the next thing we knew out she comes with her little bag of fudge and two old Peeps trailing along behind her carrying this BIG painting. How big was it? It was SO BIG they had to lay it down in the bed of the truck and one of the Peeps asked Slow if she wasn’t worried it might fly out on the road but she said no it would be fine. Well, I was shocked that Slow bought a painting without Pretty being here with her. Unthinkable. And then, what I heard next was even more unbelievable.
Of course, the old Peeps had to snoop around to look at the DOGS when Slow opened the door to climb in the driver’s seat and naturally they made this big to-do about us. Now, what kind of dog was the little one and wasn’t he a fine looking dog and did he have a Jack Russell temperament…and the old woman Slow going on and on about me and Paw Licker Annie until the old guy with the long silver ponytail and 60s hippie look got to talking about his blue tick hound in HIS pickup that was almost the smartest dog he’d ever seen. Almost, he said because he’d seen this red tick hound out in New Mexico on his way to California to visit his daughter and the red tick hound could Talk. Well, this shut Slow and the other man up and they looked at Larry, the Ponytail Peep who’d seen the talking dog.
What did he say, Slow asked Larry who obliged with his best imitation of the talking red tick hound.
Good Marrrrrrrrrnin was the first thing he said to me, Larry said and stretched the long howling word out about a mile. Slow and the Bald Headed Peep just stared at him. How rrrrrrrrrrrrr you was the next thing the dog said and at this point Slow and the BHP shook their heads and began to look dubious. I’m thinking to myself can anybody get me outta here so I don’t have to listen to this Peep make a fool of himself. Even Paw Licker Annie turned her head away from the scene. She couldn’t look.
Larry went right on without the least bit of encouragement from any corner. And then the hound’s owner’s wife came out and sat down on the porch and was eating a Hershey’s Candy Bar and the dog started barking and barking so the owner asked the dog what he wanted and he said Cannnnnnnnnndy so the wife broke off a piece of her candy bar and gave it to the dog who trotted happily away. At this Slow slapped her hand against the steering wheel and told the Ponytail Peep Larry that she had to throw the bullshit flag on his story. He’d gone too far and now she’d be leaving since she had to get to Montgomery before it got too late. Goodbye and good luck she said as the old men turned to walk away.
We made it home before dark and didn’t get lost one time. The painting stayed on the bed of the truck and Slow managed somehow to hang it in the lavendar guest room without outside assistance from either of the Little Women on Worsham Street. She wanted to have it up before Pretty gets here.
Zippity-do-dah Pretty is coming to see us tomorrow and we can’t wait!! Paw Licker Annie and I have been as mopey as Slow when Pretty got sick last month and couldn’t come to see us. I wish she could stay for a long time but I think it’ll be a short visit. That’ll have to do. I need me some Pretty Pets in the worst way.
Bad News, Sports Fans, my King of the Courts Rafa Nadal lost in the finals of the Australian Open, but he gave it his Best Shot for almost six hours straight in an epic battle. The Red Man was exhausted.
Which is what I am tonight after all this rambling. Get me outta here Percy. Good Nahhhhhhhhht.